We Were Friends Once
by RT4ever
Summary: It's the same old story, married for convenience and fell in love. Did I mention she's the love of my best friend's life? Problem is she's apparently mine too and she has no idea and I'm not about to tell her. [Brazen]
1. A single picture

We Were Friends Once  
  
Ch.1 A week into Jason and Brenda's "marriage" Jason's Penthouse:  
  
He came home to find her sitting Indian style on the floor. She wasn't moving; she didn't even notice him come in. No she was just sitting there, surrounded by boxes and starring at a picture. Her face was blocked by her hair, but he could tell that she wasn't okay.  
  
"Brenda?" he called to her softly  
  
That snapped her back to reality "Oh, hi" she said after she lifted her head up. It revealed eyes that were slightly red.  
  
"You okay?" he said slowly moving closer  
  
"Yea, just memories" she said raising the picture, then she shook her head and put it back in the box.  
  
"Jax send those over?"  
  
She gave him a puzzled look and shook her head "No Edward. You know he's thrilled by this. He just doesn't realize, you aren't... " her words got choked up. He started to walk towards her, but she shakes her head to stop him. "You know I don't think we ever really got to grieve for him. I mean because his body was still alive, we all just kept this silent hope that if his body was still alive, we had a chance we'd get him back. But he's never going to come back... he's just gone... everything amazing that he was, is just gone...and I don't know, I guess it just really hit me... "  
  
Jason starred ahead, he'd never even thought about that, about Jason Quartermaine and Brenda.... "I didn't realize you two were close."  
  
She laughed "I lived with them Jason. You know the whole watch stupid tv together when you're bored, family dinners, harass him and stop him from doing work when I had nothing to do, try to sneak down in the middle of the night for a snack end up finding him eating what I wanted...we had the same group of friends basically, the guy I wanted, wanted Jason's girlfriend...that caused Jason once to try to get with me." She started to laugh as she remembered that, then she sobered up "And he's gone and it just hit me a little hard today.... I can't believe Edward had Reggie go through his room and send this stuff over." She picked up the picture she had been looking at, stood and walked over to Jason and gave it to him.  
  
He looked down at the picture; it was odd to see himself with the longer, blonder hair, the young face in a pair of black swim trunks. It was even odder to see that with Brenda on his back... so much younger, with a fuller face and both of them laughing.  
  
"Why can't Edward see that's not you and me, that me and him? I'm gonna go for a walk, I need to clear my head."  
  
With that Brenda left and Jason was left holding a picture that seemed impossible. 


	2. Sympathy for those you hate

CH.2  
  
For years Jason had avoided any contact with anything that was related to Jason Quatermaine, but he knew it would be lying to say he'd never been curious. But if he was curious than that meant, he would have to go to them and tell them that and that was one thing he'd never do. But now, it was right here, it was right at his fingertips because of those three boxes Edward had sent over.  
  
He put the picture Brenda had given him on the coffee table and went over to the boxes. He sat down and starred at them, within those boxes was everything he'd spent years running from.  
  
He started picking up the various picture frames that were in the first box. They weren't anything new; he'd seen them all once before when he'd come home from the hospital, he noticed there weren't any of him with Keesha, just him with Brenda, or him in a group of people or with the "family."  
  
The next box was full of full photo albums. He spent some time flipping through them and there was one thing that was glaringly obvious. Jason Quatermaine had loved everyone Jason Morgan couldn't stand. All throughout the albums was AJ. It was funny though to see AJ throughout the years, when there was a time that he was as innocent as Michael. When AJ seemed happy, but that eventually ended in the pictures, his smiles became fake. Jason shook his head; he didn't need to have sympathy for AJ because it was pointless.  
  
He looked at the last box; it was full of notebooks. Why the hell would they send schoolbooks?  
  
He grabbed the black five star off the top of the pile and he realized why Reginald had sent it over. It wasn't a regular notebook; it was a journal .... They were his journals ... Jason Quartermaine's private thoughts, who he was and they were now at his fingertips ... not stories from others, not how great and flawless he was ... no this was just Jason.  
  
It scared him, he would never admit that to anyone, but it scared him. He didn't want to know that person, he was too afraid of him and his life ... He didn't want it, he wanted it to stay separated from him...He didn't want any connection to that person, yet he couldn't stop himself from opening that book.  
  
He laughed at himself when he read the first line  
  
I It's the first day of 9th grade. /I  
  
Ninth grade ... there was no worry about being connected to child.  
  
INinth grade, in the US this would be a big deal. This would be high school; there would be new kids, and not the same faces I've been starring at since I was four. 'Course if I was in a real family in the US I would have seen my parents for more than those two weeks at the start of the summer. Of course out of those two weeks we had five family dinners, a trip to New York for new summer and school clothes ... I think we must have spent about a day and a half with them total if you add it up. I guess we're used to that, I know AJ is, actually he prefers it when they aren't around. I can't say I blame him, I've never seen anyone treated like they treat him. I've never seen anyone get so much abuse because they get B's and A-'s in school. I understand why AJ won't tell them he has an LD; they already look at him as if he's shit, if they knew that...they'll think he's actually damaged and not just a fuck up. He tries so hard though, I can't stand all the shit he takes from them. I don't think he can take it anymore either; he drinks and smokes way too much now. He's got to break away from them before it destroys him.  
  
God I don't want to think about AJ, I spend too much of my time worrying about him, he at least has me, even if he doesn't have them. We have each other, we never needed them, and we never will. /I  
  
Jason closed the book right there; he didn't want to know this. He didn't want to pity AJ. There had to be another book that started off on a better note, he picked up another and began to read.  
  
IApril 3rd 1990  
  
Today was my big game. They didn't come. They promised they would fly over, they both did. I know they're fighting, I know they're mad, but they promised. Dad promised to come even though mom was going to be there. Mom promised to come and bring Dawn. I have a sister and I've never met her. I talked to her on the phone a couple of times and she always seems really cool, just like AJ. She didn't talk about herself, she asked me questions, found out about my life, not like mom and dad, who ask but don't listen. I think she's going to be really cool, her, AJ and I...we don't need mom and dad, they just screw everything up.  
  
AJ can't speak tonight; he screamed too loud at my game, he was trying to make up for them not being there. I know he wishes he could be playing. I guess I shouldn't feel bad about them not coming when they didn't even come over when AJ had to have surgery on his knee. I can't believe he's going to be in a brace the whole season ... It sucks! /I  
  
Once again Jason slammed the book shut. He grabbed another from the pile and randomly opened it. Of course once again, it wasn't pretty.  
  
IDawn's dead. My sister's dead. My sister that I only spent 2 hours with is dead. She was 22 and she's dead. AJ just kept screaming, "It's not fair" when they told him. She was the way mom should have been. With the blonde hair, the blue eyes, she looked so much like mom, but she was nothing like her. She'd write us letters long letters, telling us funny stories from her job, her life and the world around her. She'd ask us questions, she'd reply to the answers and the questions we'd send her. It isn't fair!  
  
How can she be dead?  
  
She was one of the coolest people I've ever met. When we met her, she hugged us and I mean really hugged us and she meant it. You could feel that she cared and she's dead. She's one of the few people that ever really cared and she's dead. Monica should have died, Monica deserved to die, anyone in that family besides Lila deserved to die before our sister. I hate them. /I  
  
Jason shut this book, not because it made him feel for AJ, but because it showed that Jason wasn't that flawless person they believed him to be. Jason had said it flat out that he hated them, he wasn't stupid, and he didn't have a blind eye to them. He knew exactly who they were and he knew all of this when he was a kid. Jason Q suddenly didn't seem so bad to him.  
  
He picked up a more recent book and began to read... 


	3. You can make me smile

Chapter 3  
  
Jason's attention while being captivated by the journals did not distract him as it did Brenda. He heard her footsteps approach the door, he wondered if he should rush and throw the book back in the box. But he resisted the urge and instead simply waited for her.  
  
"Feeling better?" he said before she even got all the way through the door  
  
She smiled at him, a sad, fake smile. "Yea thanks, it's just the whole death nothingness kinda gets to a dying person. What's that?" she said looking at the notebook  
  
"They're his journals. I'm guessing no one ever realized what they were besides Reginald."  
  
Brenda smiled "Jason was entirely too smart for that family." She started looked at the stairs and then back at him. "I'm really tired I'm going to go to bed."  
  
He saw the look in her eyes and they gave her emotions away; she was upset again. "Don't Brenda, don't run off every time you get upset."  
  
She turned to face him "I'm not upset, I'm tired"  
  
"Brenda, just talk to me. I've been told I'm a good listener."  
  
"So was he, of course he spoke back at the end."  
  
"I'll try my best Brenda. Now will you just tell me what exactly is wrong? I don't feel like living with you"  
  
She cut him off "Fine Jason, would you like me to move out? Would you like this to be over now? What the hell was so"  
  
"Brenda" he said in almost a shout "Just tell me."  
  
"I'm scared okay?" She shook her head "I am just insanely scared, I'm not ready to die, I'm especially not ready to die like this. I saw that picture today and I ...I don't know I got scared. I mean is Jason in heaven or is he just over. Then it got worse than that, it got even more selfish because I missed him. I missed how he made me feel. I missed how I could talk to him for hours. I mean we never really were great friends, sure we hung out with the whole group, but we wouldn't pair off on our own generally. Every once in awhile though, he and I would just hang out for weeks and then it would taper off. We went shopping together, I'd help him pick out little trinkets for Keesha and he'd listen to me flip out over Sonny. And he just made everything seem okay and not so scary and I just really could use a friend right now okay?"  
  
"He loved you Bren, he really did care. It's all throughout this thing."  
  
She smiled at him "You called me Bren, you almost never call me that."  
  
"Blame it on him" Jason said lifting up the book  
  
"Read me one" she said sitting down on the couch opposite of him  
  
"Read me one, you have his voice...it'll almost be like he's here."  
  
Brenda's eyes pleaded with him to say yes and he couldn't resist, when she wasn't be loud or self-centered, she almost seemed decent. He flipped for awhile and found one he had already read and that he had laughed to.  
  
"Living with Brenda is going to drive me insane." Jason looked up to see Brenda frowning and smiled as he went on "She keeps walking around the house in a long tee shirt at night. It only covers her ass ... okay mid thigh, but still, it's going to drive me insane. And then she knocks on my door at three in the morning; she walks me up in her short ass shirt, her hair in a curly mess and not a single drop of makeup on her face. And she wants to talk. All I ever can think about is throwing her to my bed and she's talking about Sonny. Like I said living with her is going to drive me completely insane one of these days especially when she starts with "You're such a nice guy Jase, why can't I meet a guy like you?" God I'm going to kill her one of these days."  
  
Jason looked up to find Brenda smiling "And here I was thinking he was a saint."  
  
"You knew?"  
  
"Oh yea, every once in awhile I'd catch him starring at my legs, he was always so good at diverting his eyes from my chest...Because well you can't very well wear a bra to bed, that wouldn't be very comfortable and do you have any idea how many white tee shirts there are in the world."  
  
Brenda laughed as she saw Jason's face "What, it's not like he didn't do it back?" She jumped up to her feet "Bren, red or blue" she made a moving of the clothing gestures "Jeans or khakis." She laughed "And dear god Jason's body" then she stopped and laughed some more "Is the same body you have now, so I'm going to stop myself."  
  
She started to walk away, but then she stopped herself "Thank you Jason."  
  
"You're welcome. Good night Bren."  
  
"I really do like that, it just feels good. Good night Jase."  
  
  
  
****Will someone please tell me how to do italics on this site ... Please! 


	4. If this was your last day on earth would...

Ch.4-----If this was your last day on earth would you spend it eating cheetos?  
  
A few days later, the penthouse:  
  
Jason~  
  
I walk in to find Brenda sitting on the couch watching tv, a bag of cheetos on her lap and drinking from a two liter bottle of coke. Her cheeks fill up as she notices me; she forces her mouthful down.  
  
"I realize how this looks." she says as she starts to stand to brush off the crumbs  
  
"What the mean what you're eating, how your eating, the fact that you have soda on your shirt..." Suddenly her clothing becomes a lot more noticeable, a white tank and boxers, boxers that looked awfully familiar "You're wearing my underwear Brenda"  
  
"Do you have to refer to it as your underwear, boxers Jason, boxers sound a hell of a lot better. I was actually amazed with how many you have; you're definitely more of a boxer brief kinda guy." She starts to laugh  
  
"You're in my underwear Brenda; I'm not discussing what type of underwear I chose to wear with you." I shake my head  
  
"Well it's not like you have to anyway, you're about 50/50. I'd go with you wear the boxer briefs on most days because they'd work best with the type of pants you wear, the boxers are for comfort, so your days off, do you have days off? Bed maybe?"  
  
"And what would you do if I said you were wrong?"  
  
"Wrong how?"  
  
"I don't wear anything to bed Bren." I smile at her  
  
She smiles back at me "What a coincidence, neither do I."  
  
I can't help but laugh, I notice I've been dong that a lot more lately, of course I've been screaming a lot more also "I think I'm spending too much time with you."  
  
With her eyes wide, she nods "Oh yea" she laughs some more, then flops back onto the couch  
  
"So this is what you did all day?" I say following her lead  
  
"Yup, cheeto? She asks as she offers the bag  
  
I take a few "You need a life." I say before I start to eat  
  
"Yea I noticed. I have no idea what to do besides help Jax when he goes to physical therapy. I mean what's the point in starting anything else." She shrugs her shoulders and pops another in her mouth  
  
"Bren, you aren't dead yet. You've still got time."  
  
"Not much more though, what do I have a year or two before...before it starts?"  
  
"So you should be living." I start to stand and I stand in front of her. "You've got a lot more than most people Brenda; you've had a lot more than people could have ever dreamed of."  
  
"Oh really?" her head tilts and looks at me as if I'm insane "Like what?"  
  
"You've got this, endless means to do whatever you want, I know money isn't everything, but it definitely helps. You've had love Brenda, you've had adventures, and you've lived through how many near death experiences. And now you know how long you have left, well provided you don't get hit by a bus because you're talking on that damn phone. I mean it Bren; you know you don't have more than a couple of years left. People always ask that damn question, if you only had one day left what would you do. But the thing is people never do those things, but you've got no reason anymore not to do them. I watch her face and I watch as a smile breaks out across it..."What?  
  
"I seriously think that's the most you've ever said to me at once." Her smile grows stronger "I'm definitely rubbing off on you."  
  
I smile at her again "Get off your ass; I'm sick of watching you feel sorry for yourself and making me miserable. We're going out."  
  
"Oooh, where are we going?" she jumps up and it strikes me how odd it is that someone with this energy and drive could be dying.  
  
"Where do you want to go?"  
  
"How about Luke's? It's laidback, but I can still get a little dressed up."  
  
"Luke's it is."  
  
"Yup a litte dinner, some dancing."  
  
"I'm not dancing."  
  
"Did I ask you to?" She smiles brighter "You can watch me." 


	5. My idea of a good night? Trust me it’s ...

I know this is has taken awhile, I'm sorry too much work, I'll do better. But who agrees Jason and Brenda is a HELL OF A LOT BETTER than Jax and Brenda?! Thanks for reading and all of the great replies!  
  
Chapter 5-----My idea of a good night? Trust me it's not this  
  
Jason~  
  
There's one thing I could never disagree with people about Brenda and that was that she was beautiful. I don't mean the boring model beauty either; she didn't only look good when she was all made up. She had a natural beauty that transcended that, it was easy sometimes to understand how people became obsessed with her; she seemed to have an inner glow that drew you to her.  
  
However at the moment I think it may be the fact that she's still soaking wet from her shower and still in her towel. Sometimes my power to focus amazes even me "No I don't think it's too cold to wear a skirt. We won't be outside very long anyway."  
  
She laughs at me, I know she sees me as someone to tease, to goad; she's never not been everything to a guy. This is definitely good for her though, she was never meant to be someone's goddess, she wasn't meant to be up on a pillar like that, no one is, well maybe Carly, she would probably do well being adored like that or maybe it's just that she thinks she would be.  
  
"I wish this was two years ago" she says sizing me up with those intense brown eyes that seem to take in every detail of my body.  
  
"Why is that Brenda?" I ask humoring her  
  
"Because you would have looked awesome in a pair of leather pants," she says ending with a smile.  
  
I laugh at that comment  
  
Her eyes widen slightly and her mouth drops, "What? Don't tell me you own a pair?"  
  
"A saleswoman tried talking me into them awhile back when I was getting something for my bike. I actually ended up trying them on." I say shaking me head  
  
She starts to laugh and walks over to my bed and sits down, although she's still in her towel, "I would have paid anything to see that."  
  
"Of course you would have because you pay for everything with my money." I counter with  
  
"Ha Ha. Now seriously, you aren't wearing jeans right?"  
  
"We're only going to Luke's."  
  
She frowns, "But I'm wearing a skirt."  
  
"And your point Brenda?"  
  
She stands "We're gonna look mismatched."  
  
I shake my head, "We are mismatched, so it'll be fine."  
  
We look at each other and realize how ridiculous we are for fighting over this and we start to laugh  
  
"We fight too much," she says as she flops back down on the bed, she unfortunately catches her towel as it becomes slightly undone.  
  
"Yes we do, but would it really make you happy if I change?"  
  
"Yes please" she says smiling  
  
I walk back over to my closet and I turn because she's following me "What?"  
  
"I wanna help," she says with her eyes all innocent  
  
"I can dress myself Brenda,"  
  
"But I want to help; come on you can't refuse a dying woman," she says ending with a pout.  
  
"You use that line too often."  
  
"That's only because it works" she says smiling once more  
  
"Oooh try these on," she reaches past me and into the closet and presents a pair of black pants.  
  
"Fine, leave."  
  
"What you can't get dressed in front of me? You have underwear on right?"  
  
"Brenda, I'm not changing in front of you."  
  
"Jason, I'm your wife and I used to be a model, and trust me modesty was not an issue on a photo shoot."  
  
"Bren" my voice gets firm, but it's no use, she pays no attention.  
  
She walks away and towards my stereo, "Music will put you at ease"  
  
I turn my back to her and face the closet and start to change "You get your way too often."  
  
She laughs "I know"  
  
I turn back around and find her in another white tank and boxers, how did I miss her changing? "Brenda"  
  
"What you wanted me walking around practically naked? I don't like the front of those pants," she walks past me and goes into the closet once more and she grabs another pair "Here" she looks in the closet a little more "and ooh this shirt."  
  
She's smiling to herself as she sits down on her bed to watch me, I stay facing her this time because she doesn't realize that her hair's soaked through the tank top and it's now see through.  
  
She changes my outfit five more times, "Okay these pants and this shirt" she rummages around in the closet once more "and this belt."  
  
"Hey Jason" I hear coming from the hallway, it's Carly. She walks into the room and finds Brenda and I both standing only inches away, I'm in my boxer briefs and Brenda in my boxers. I take in the rest of the room, the music, the bed messed up from Brenda jumping on it, the towel dropped right next to the bed and then there's Brenda.  
  
"Do you ever knock?"  
  
"I did, no one responded." Carly returns the attitude  
  
"You know most people would take that to mean they aren't wanted."  
  
I hate being stuck in the middle of them  
  
"Jason" Carly whines my name  
  
"Actually Carly, Brenda's got a point, this is her home now, she doesn't just walk into yours."  
  
"But I always did before."  
  
"But that was before Brenda lived here." Dealing with them is like dealing with five year olds, wait no, Michael gets along with everyone better than they do.  
  
She rolls her eyes "Fine, so what were you two doing?"  
  
"I'm getting dressed Carly, we're going to Luke's."  
  
"Oh really, so are we, I guess we'll see you over there. I leave you alone now to get dressed." She smiles as she turns to leave  
  
"I hate her" Brenda fumes  
  
"I know and she hates you too."  
  
"Ugh and you know you she wasn't going to Luke's until you said we were." She paces around the room  
  
"You know we could always just go out tomorrow night."  
  
She scoffs at the idea "Please, like I'm gonna let her win, I don't think so. I'm gonna go get ready."  
  
I just smile and get dressed. 


	6. A Lack of Courage

My first html page Luke's later that night

_Brenda~_

It was a foolish idea to come here, I don't know what I was thinking doing this to myself. I _thought_ I could ignore them, I _thought_ that I could have a good time. _Forget_ that it should be he and I at that table, not him and that tramp that we should have been married for five years. I was wrong though, I keep forgetting about my illness, I keep forgetting how it would destroy him even worse than it would destroy me. I spent the evening trying to have fun with Jason, I tried to drag him dancing as I knew I should, but my heart wasn't into torturing him. As he left to go take a phone call I made my way to the bar hoping that alcohol might help ease the pain. 

As I took a sip of my drink, I saw Carly go to the back with Bobbie. As I turned a few moments later, I see him coming towards me. I lock my eyes with his, _he is not going to see that I wanted to run and that I couldn't handle this._

"Jason left you all alone?" he says leaning up against the bar next to me, pretending like I am that the band had our attention. 

"Phone call, he should be back really soon"

"Oh" 

"Yea, Carly is..?"

"Eh Bobbie had to show her something in the back, something for Kelly's or something."

"Oh"

"Look Brenda"

"Look Sonny" our words occur at the same time, causing us both to give a nervous chuckle. "You first"

He shakes his head, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry for all the grief I've given you lately. It's your life, you do whatever it is you want with it."

"I'm just trying to do what's best for everyone. Everyone minus Jason that is."

"You guys getting along okay?"

I pause for a moment wondering what it is he wants to hear, the truth or what? "We're fine" is all I say, that's enough of an answer. 

"That's good" he says with a shake of his head

"Yea"

We stand there in silence for a moment before out of nowhere he says "Funny how things turn out isn't it?"

"Hmm?" I know what he's thinking about, but I'm not about to admit it.

"It's almost eight years since we lived here. It seems like a lifetime."

"Probably since you've died more than a couple times since then" I laugh as I say this, _I'm not sure if I find it funny, _ but I laugh.

He gives a small chuckle "The world is so different now."

"We're so different now" I allow my guard to slip, "eight years ago I was a little girl, who couldn't imagine a world without you, I didn't think I could live without you. I wanted a ring from you more than I wanted my next breath it seemed."

"We were too young. You were too young."

"I didn't feel young at the time."

"You were, trust me." he shakes his head "Maybe it was I was too young? I can't seem to remember anymore. All I knew was I couldn't give you that ring, as badly as I wanted to, _I couldn't."_

My heart freezes as he says this, I don't have the words to respond with anything more dignified than "Huh?"

His voice suddenly gets choked up "I had a ring in my pocket, an engagement ring. I was going to give you the bloodstone and watch you get all depressed and then break out the real one. I got so scared Brenda, it almost destroyed me to tell you I love you, that I couldn't watch you walk out of my apartment. To tell you I couldn't live my life without you," his words stop and he looks away from me _"I couldn't handle that._ It's funny to think, if I could have just mustered the courage to take it out of my pocket…We would have been married for years now. We'd have kids, knowing us probably three by now. We'd be going along with life as if we had no worries in the world. There would have been no Rivera, no Harry, no Tin Man, none of that. _Just you and I and our kids."_

His words made me want to fall apart, I didn't want to know that. As much as I'd always hoped for it, I didn't want to know that. I couldn't cope with those thoughts. Those thoughts of him and I with a whole bunch of kids, I couldn't deal with that. "It's for the best."

"Was it really?"

"It would have destroyed you when I suddenly started losing my mind."

"Because it didn't destroy me when I thought you were dead?" he turns to me and stares deep into my eyes, he's wondering how I hurt him so and I'm thinking of how I saved him.

"You left me once to keep me safe Sonny, I returned the favor."

"I never asked you to keep me safe."

"Neither did I." 


	7. I'm Your Friend

We Were Friends Once **Chapter 7 **

I'm Your Friend

Jason~

I walk back in and the club seems empty except for them. _Them_: Sonny, my best friend, my partner, one the few people that had always believed in me and Brenda....Brenda, my wife, my friend at times, my enemy at others, and the woman Sonny had always wanted to spend eternity with, he didn't care if it was in hell, he just cared if it was with her. 

Their eyes are locked, I can see the tears start to glisten in Brenda's eyes, I can see the look in Sonny's eyes. I've seen it before, I've seen it many times before. He wants her, his desire/his love/his infatuation for her outweighs all rational thought. 

I realize something as I start to rush towards them, weaving in and out of people I don't even see. I'm not rushing towards to save Carly or Sonny, I'm rushing towards to save _her._ To save Brenda from the heartache and pain that I know will follow soon. Somewhere along the line I started caring for Brenda without it being an order or a moral obligation. I don't want to see her in pain for her final months. 

My arm wraps around her waist and I turn her into me as I sweep her out of the bar. I don't bother walking back to the table to retrieve her purse, the same person that made sure it stayed there all night will make sure it's still here in the morning. 

I deliver her to the car that is ready and waiting for us at all times, she drops into the passenger's seat. I hurry to the driver's side, _she needs to be away from here._

I keep glancing at her as I drive, she's barely holding herself together. She's tried to stay so strong, _so brave._ I've seen her with Sonny, with Jax, with everyone, she doesn't want to crumple in front of them. She's had her head turned looking out the windows since we got in the car, she can't make eye contact with me, _this is getting bad_.

I can't see her eyes, but I see her head drop in pain. I'm not thinking as I pull the car over, as I rush out with the keys still in the ignition, rip open her door and pull her into my arms as she breaks down into tears against me, unable to do anything but cry as I hold her up. 

I don't know how long passes on the darkened and isolated city street, five minutes? Ten minutes? It seems like forever as I rub her back and croon into her ear that everything would be alright. I'm doing what I hate to do. _I'm lying to her,_ I know things weren't going to be alright, how could they be alright when she was dying? She's dying and can't be with the man she wanted to spend forever with, the man she's loved since she was eighteen. It makes me feel even worse because I'm the one keeping them apart, I was keeping her safe, I was keeping Sonny safe and Carly and Michael, but I've been hurting her at the same time. 

She looks up at me, through the blood shot eyes that still sent rolls of tears streaming down her cheeks, she looks up at me for the answers. I realize I've become the one she trusts, the one she turns to "How did I mess up so bad? How did I become that fuck up Julia knew I'd become?"

"You're not a fuckup."

"Yes I am, we could have had _everything_ Jason. We had that love that you only see in movies, _we had that! _ Every time I see them together Jason.…" She shakes her head, "That should have been us.…_I was wrong Jason_, I was wrong when I told you that I had always loved him more than he loved me....I was wrong, we just loved each other with everything we had, but we were both scared.…_we were just kids_....if I hadn't worn that wire, if I hadn't pushed him so much..."

She crumples into my chest again, and I wrap my arms tight around her again as I try to comfort her, "Don't you think that runs through everyone's mind Brenda? There are a million what ifs, if onlys that happen in our lives....Do you think you're the only one that has them....we all have a million regrets, but we can't do anything about them now....Our lives could have ended up a billion of different ways. You could have not worn the wire, you could have not married Jax the night Lily died, you could not have found Sonny when they set it up to look like he had an overdose....It works in both ways Brenda. _Good and bad_....and even then, that's open to interpretation ... .If Jason Quartermaine had put on his seatbelt when he got into the car with AJ. I wouldn't be here. I'm happy to be here, I'm happy to be alive. Just like Michael's glad he's got Sonny as his father."

"Don't you think I know that?" she yells as she pulls back from me, breaking free of my arms "Don't you think I've always known that? I came so close to losing him....losing him from this _earth,_ not just my life waaay too many times...If I had been a few minutes later...But I am so sick of not being with him, of having to see him living his life without me in it. _How can the world just keep going? _Why can't this pain just end already? This living in limbo, I've been here for four years and I don't know how much more of it I can take. _I was so happy once…."_

I take her back into my arms and I kiss the top of her head "You're going to be happy again Bren. I promise you." 

Her sobs grow stronger and I feel her legs give out completely, I sit with her in my arms on the deserted street. _I will not break my promise._


	8. Your Husband

We Were Friends Once **Chapter 8 **

Your Husband

Jason~

It's pretty funny how the world works sometimes, just a couple of weeks ago I only put up with Brenda for Sonny and Carly's sake and now I'd be willing to go to war with them to keep her safe. 

She didn't say much once we got back into the car, she just let her head fall against the window and starred out at the road ahead. It was hard to remember that we were the same age as I saw her then. She looked years beyond her age, she looked defeated by the world. Normally, she looks younger than her age because she's so scared that she's acting on impulse without thought to the whole picture. She let everyone believe she was dead because she thought it would save them. _I saw their faces though,_ I felt my own pain when I thought she was dead. That's not the face I see anymore, this is she doesn't care, the world's beaten her down so much that it hurts to bad to care. 

I wish I could see her as I saw her earlier this evening. Laughing, jumping up and down on the bed, swaying and singing to the music. She doesn't deserve to have this death sentence hanging over her head, she's only 27 and chances are she won't live to see 30. 

She suddenly turns her head a little and laughs "I'm not going to fall apart Jason" she frowns a little and smiles again "Well not again that is" she laughs a little more "Kay how about I promise not to for at least another day or so."

I frown "I didn't think you were"

"Uh huh, you've spent more time looking at me than you have the road." she shifts her seat to look at me "There's no way I could ever thank you enough for this Jase." She reaches out her hand and touches the back of my neck and it drops down to my arm before it falls back down to her side. 

_It's funny how after living with a person you start being able to know what they're thinking._ I switched hands I was driving with and clasped her hand within mine. "You're gonna be okay Bren, I'm not going to let anyone hurt you."

She laughed as she turned back to focus her face on the road "You're acting like a Dad Jason."

"Not a Dad Brenda, a husband, _your husband." _ I said as I pulled into the garage.

**Thanks for reading!**


	9. Still Me

~~~~~~~~

Chapter 9

Still Me

~~~~~~~~

Jason~

She was quiet as we walked to the penthouse, but it wasn't like the frightening silence I'd experienced in the car, she was simply exhausted. _I knew how she felt_. I flipped on the lights as she walked in. "I'm going to bed." she said as she headed towards the stairs.

"Goodnight" I said as I watched her walk up the stairs, unable to not admire her flawless body and that tempting little tattoo, which was probably the biggest tease ever known to mankind.

I walked over to the couch and my body collapsed into it. I picked up the wooden frame that contained the picture of Brenda and I as teenagers, we had never bothered to put it back in the box.

_ I_

I just thought _I_, I looked down into the picture and into the clear blue eyes I saw every time I looked into a mirror and I realized something. The person in the picture, the person in the journals wasn't Jason Quartermaine anymore, it was me. I didn't remember any of it, but it was me that had those experiences. That person who wrote those journals was _me_; my personality was ingrained in it. Things were different, but it was me. Like an adult going back and reading their childhood diaries, I've simply changed with time as everyone does; my change was just more sudden. I picked up the frame and walked with it to the fireplace's mantle and placed it in the center. It deserved a place of honor. I went through the rest of the box and took out the other pictures containing Brenda and I, and Emily and I. I might have realized I was still the same person deep down, but I wasn't ready to stare into AJ's face a couple times a day, he was still a scumbag…_I think._


	10. Dreaming?

**We Were Friends Once**

Chapter Ten

Dreaming?

"Jase" her hand was on my arm and her face was hovering inches above my own. For a moment I wondered if I was dreaming, if I could raise my hand and bring her lips down to meet mine. For another moment, I wondered if I could do it anyway when I realizeds that she was here with me, and not in my dreams.

"Bren" my voice came out in a whisper, I'd somehow forgotten how to take in enough breath to do anything but whisper.

"I can't sleep" the bed sunk ever so slightly as Brenda sat down next to me, but her gaze only left me for a moment, it returned and our eyes remained locked. 

I couldn't think of any words to say. 

Without the barriers of daylight, of full consciousness, of all the burdens and restraints the day placed upon us, I couldn't think of anything beyond her lips. And our eyes imprisoned by each others, the softness in her eyes and their innocence, everything I had never associated with her before we were married. 

I wanted to retain the lack of concern for everything that was showing in her eyes, I wanted this to be forever. I didn't want this moment to end. _I wanted to be her husband in every sense of the word. _

I wanted to keep her happy forever. I wanted to keep her _forever._

I wanted to know if her lips tasted as sweet as they looked. I wanted to know what the skin behind her ear tasted like…

"Can I stay here tonight?" I watched as her lips parted and formed the words, yet I couldn't believe that they had come from her. I nodded, I still had no idea how to talk. She slipped under the covers and I could feel her warmth inches from me. I knew I wouldn't get any more sleep tonight. 


	11. This Can't Be

Chapter 11

It Can't Be

_ Jason~_

I woke up to the sunlight streaming down upon Brenda and I from the blinds I had forgotten to close last night. We slept as husband and wife, with her head upon my chest and my arm drawing her close and protecting her from others even as we slept. I wondered what she would do if I awakened her with a kiss, then I started to wonder where that thought had come from.

Bile started to rise up my throat as I realized what has happened, _I've fallen in love with Brenda_. I fell in love with her just as Sonny and Jax did and I had no idea how it happened. 

I close my eyes and tilt my head back as far from her as possible, trying to seek some clarity.

_ It isn't love, it can't be love... _

It's because she's sick; she's dying and she's my responsibility. That's it; _she's my responsibility_, just as Michael was once, how can you hate someone when they're so vulnerable? I open my eyes and look back down to where she slept. She was trusting like a child; she put her life in my hands. _That explained these feelings I now felt for her._

She starts to wake; she stretches; her arm stretches, moving her hand very slowly across my body. She does that soft groan/sigh that causes a reaction in all males that we all try to deny. One little sound that can reduce a man to mush, on second thought, definitely not mush…That soft sound that makes me want to clasp my hands around that tiny little waist of hers and raise her up to me. I resist and she says "Morning" sleepily, seductively with a small smile on her lips and I wonder if she has the same thoughts running through her head.

I smile at her, I like this intimacy, the no walls "Morning, sleep well?"

She nods.

I have to distract myself from this moment…"So, what are you plans for today?"

She gives me a look, that _you're an idiot look_, she doesn't bother speaking.

I laugh "I guess that look would mean either A) Physical therapy with Jax or B) Cheetos."

She laughs with me "Jax has physical therapy, but not until 5."

I frown slightly as I talk to her "Well we can't have you sitting around the apartment all day again."

With a teasing smile she says "That would be a waste of my final days wouldn't it. So what do you suggest we do about it?"

"I was thinking about a house." I say with a straight face

Her face goes blank "Are you serious?"

I smile at her "I think you've had enough of this penthouse"

She jumps up to a sitting position on bed, shocking my whole system and causes me to sit up too. Her face is alive and vibrant; I knew my hasty words had been the correct ones. "When can we start looking?"

"As soon as you're ready to go, I'll call a realtor after I shower."

"AAAH Jason, you're the best" Brenda squeals as she leans into me and hugs me and then runs out of the room leaving me dazed.


	12. Hand In Hand

Chapter 12

Domestic Dreams

_ Jason~_

House shopping with Brenda is an odd experience because to anyone seeing us, 

we must look like a married couple, out searching for their dream home. From the

start she kept taking my hand and leading me through the houses; she would lean

on me as she surveyed the room. She kept nagging me into getting more involved,

she kept asking if I liked it and I'd course respond with "Do you?" She kept 

reminding me it wasn't going to be her home, it was going to be **'Our Home**.' 

Somewhere around the third house that clicked, this was going to be the house that 

Brenda and I lived in as husband and wife, it was be the house we laughed in, she 

cried in, we truly lived in, it would be **my first real home**. So I started getting more 

involved, hallways that were too small, we'd always be bumping into each other (which 

really when I thought about it made me regret ever saying that).

It was around the fifth house though that I realized something else as I was watching her

look out from the master bedroom's window, this would be the house _I grieved for her in_. 

It would be the house I wouldn't be able to stand the site of once she was gone. It would 

be the house I watched her die in because I knew that once we made this commitment to 

this town, to a house, to building _our home_ out of that house that I wouldn't be able to take 

her away from that when she started to get sick. 

It was in the sixth house I realized that we would have time together, that the memories we 

were going to build were going to be the reasons I grieved and suddenly I didn't care anymore 

that I shouldn't care about Brenda, I shouldn't worry about how it happened. I had to live in 

the here and now as I had once done before. Suddenly, her zeal for this, which had been 

absent in me as I stayed back and watched her passed to me and suddenly I was leading her 

around the house, I was taking her hand, I was getting excited over the built in Jacuzzi next to 

the pool.

I think we both realized the moment we stepped into the eight house, we'd found our house, 

because we stopped in the entrance way. It wasn't a fancy house, I think the realtor described

it as Tudor Style, but then again that could have been the house before. All I knew was sunlight

seemed to stream in from every angle, the carpet was so plush there would never be a need 

for socks or slippers in the winter months, the house seemed to be _filled with energy, with love, _

_with warmth_, the type of warmth we'd never really had. It wasn't a big house, then again it wasn't 

a small house. It had four bedrooms, three and a half bathrooms, a large living room, a dining

room, and a kitchen that made it a shame neither of us could cook very well. It also had a small 

study or office next to the living room, the realtor had also suggested it could be used as a sewing 

room causing Bren and I to laugh. The backyard contained a patio, a fenced in pool, a swing set 

and plenty of flowers (or would be flowers in the summer months), bushes, trees and open grass. 

I turned to Brenda, we hadn't even seen the upstairs, but I knew this was the house that was 

meant for us, but as I turned to tell her that I saw her looking at the swing set. 

It was funny how I could sense what she was thinking, maybe it wasn't too deep, but I felt like our

connection meant more. "Michael will come over all the time."

She smiled, but even she admitted it was a weak fake smile as she said "I adore Michael, but it just 

isn't the same."

As much as I hated to admit it, I had to agree, I love Michael it's never been the same since I was 

raising him as my own. "It's something Bren" I whispered as I pulled her into me.

"Isn't it something" Peggy, the realtor said walking up behind us. "And you haven't even seen the 

second floor."

I turned to her and said "I want to be in here by the end of the week"

She couldn't help but looked stunned, "I don't know if that's possible"

I smile "I have faith in you, Peggy" I gave her a business card and told her to call me as soon 

as she talked to the owners and we would settle everything then. I turned back to Brenda who 

had a bewildered smile on her face "We have a house?"

"We definitely have a house, actually better than a house, a home, yours and mine." I picked her

up, I don't know what caused me to do that, but I did it anyway. I picked her up and I spun her 

and we laughed. When I put her down, she started to drag me by the hand again. 

"Let's go look upstairs"

"Oh no no no," I said pulled her back "It's almost 2, I haven't eaten since breakfast, if you could 

call a Poptart breakfast. We're getting lunch."

"But?"

"Nope," I said cutting her off "The house will be here tomorrow"

She gave a sad smile to our soon to be backyard, she wasn't quite ready to leave it. I could see 

her thinking rapidly about everything she wanted to do back here. I was personally already having 

thoughts of one of those massive stainless steel barbeques, though where such domestic thoughts 

came from I had no idea.

"We're getting a Jacuzzi right?"

"Oh yea" I say wrapping an arm around her and leading her back into the house.


	13. It's For The Best

I just want to begin by saying thank you to everyone who's still reading after the many breaks I've taken writing this story (I get writer's block way too easily and the show doesn't help much half the time) and thank you so much for the replies. Also, whoever said that I should include Robin and Stone thank you, they are a perfect couple to give Jason hope about his time left with Brenda. Oh and someone offered to house this story on their website awhile ago, and I never emailed you because the story was in pieces and not put together enough for me to send it (Kept meaning to do it soon, then I kept putting it off). Of course now this website hates me and I can't get past my first page of reviews for this story, so if the offer still stands can you send me your email address again? Once more THANK YOU and please review, even if it's just a "Still reading" because that is more than enough to keep me motivated. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 13

It's For The Best

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_ Jason~_

"You did what?" I hear Carly scream from the top of the stairs.

I had gone over to Carly and Sonny's after dropping Brenda off at the hospital for Jax's physical therapy, I came over to tell Sonny about our move. Carly like normal had been eavesdropping from the top of the stairs after I told her I needed to talk to Sonny in private.

I turn to her storming down the stairs "We're moving Carly, why are you so mad anyhow, it's not like you want to be living next door to her."

Her eyes grew even larger "I **do** want to be living next door to you **though**, and so does Michael, Michael loves being able to go over to your place and visit."

"He'll love the house even more, it has a pool and a swing set Carly."

"**A swing set? ** What do you mean by a swing set, are you and Brenda planning on having children? Or is one already on the way, is that what this whole house thing is all about? **I saw you two yesterday**."

"Whoa, Carly" Sonny interrupted "What are you talking about, you know this marriage between Jason and Brenda isn't like that."

She turns to her husband "I didn't tell you how I found them yesterday, trust me this marriage isn't platonic." She turns to me and shakes her head in disgust, "You fell for her just like every other guy; you're going to throw away your future because of her. You and Courtney…"

I cut her off this time "Courtney is married to my brother Carly"

Her stunned reaction to my words was shown by her brief silence, then even louder than before "**YOUR BROTHER?** You just referred to that slimy little bastard as your brother. What has she done to you?"

I turn to Sonny for support, but I realized something the moment I looked into his eyes, _he believed what Carly said about Brenda and I._ He believed we were husband and wife in every sense of the word and I realized something so clearly at that moment, this is what Brenda needed to be free, and this what Sonny needed to be free and it would protect Carly's marriage, just as she had wanted. 

I turn back to Carly "I love her Carly and I want to be with her, living a normal life for as long as we have. Is that the answer you were looking for?"

I continued to look at Carly, I couldn't bear to see Sonny's face, I knew he could hide the pain he was feeling from Carly, but _I knew him_, I knew deep down I would be able to see it in his eyes where he had hidden it from the rest of the world, I had been there for all the previous pain he'd experienced in life, _I knew he couldn't hide it from me and I knew I couldn't bear to see it._


	14. It'll Be Okay

~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 14

It'll Be Okay

~~~~~~~~~~

_ Jason_~

"I told Sonny and Carly we were in love." I say these words the moment she comes in the door, even before a hello.

She stops and stares at me; she looks at me as if I speak a different language or have suddenly sprouted a second head.

"It's the only way" My voice is kind of empty, my eyes kind of blank, I can't get Sonny's silence out of my head. I can't forget trying to convince him Brenda was dead four years ago. I can't forget watching him cry, watching him throw things or watching him stare into her picture for hours without speaking. I can't believe I just hurt him like that even though it's for the best.

She cuts me off "We tried that before didn't we? It didn't work." I definitely know Brenda know, I thought I knew at the house, but I know for sure I know her now. I can hear it in her voice, all of the words she isn't saying. She doesn't want him to believe that we love each other, she wants him to always know he is number one in her heart, he is the one she wanted to grow old with and it is only because she doesn't get to grow old that she isn't chasing after him.

"They think that all the time we've spent together caused us to fall in love, Carly thought we were sleeping together, she told Sonny and when I looked at him, I saw that he believed it. After all who doesn't fall in love with you?" I laugh, hiding the truth.

"Is he okay?" She says sitting down on the couch. I start hearing more things in her voice, she's remembering that this is what we need to do; she wants him happy, this is the way as painful as it is right now_; it's the only way._

"He will be, he needs to believe this Brenda. The one thing he needs more than anything is for you to be happy." I say sitting down with her

She nods

"You okay with this?" I say reaching out to touch her shoulder

She nods again "I think Jax thought the same thing, he had this weird look in his eyes but he didn't say anything when I told him. So is this what we do? Is this how we make them happy? We really let everyone believe we're in love?" She pauses for a moment and thinks about it, "I guess we have to stop fighting and what not in public."

"We've already stopped doing that."

She stops to think about it and I can see the awareness in her eyes as she thinks about it "We look like a couple now, don't we?"

I nod

"Wow, I would have never thought that was possible."

"We're friends how far off is that from what makes a marriage?" I lean back into the couch spreading my arms over the back

"Good point" she says sinking back into the couch and slightly against my body.

"It's going to be okay Bren" I say dropping on arm to wrap around her and pull her closer, trying to reassure her.

A few seconds later there is a quick knock followed by the door opening, we both turn our heads, but we remain in our close position. "Jason" his voice stops as he saw us, he regains his composure quickly "Sorry, but there's an emergency down at the docks."

I nod and stand, then lean over and kiss Brenda on the lips softly "I'll be back as soon as I can" I whisper as I lift my head away. I realized as I turn my head to the door, my show was for naught, Sonny has already gone. 

Brenda realizes that too "He's hurt" she whispers because of the open door.

"He'll be okay" I say before I head out the door.


	15. Blurry EyesClarity

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 15

Blurry Eyes/Clarity

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Jason~_

I got back in shortly after one, I was exhausted, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep yet, not after the day I'd had. So I settled myself into a chair with one of Jason's journals. It was there that Brenda found me.

"Hey" she says nudging me

"Hey yourself" I say through blurry eyes

"I can't imagine that chair's very comfortable." She says as she sits cross legged on the floor below me

"It's not" I say stretching. I can't believe I fell asleep there or better yet stayed asleep. "What time is it?"

"Almost 3:30."

"What are you still doing up?"

"Another nightmare"

"Another?"

"Yea I seem to have become the queen of nightmares since coming back."

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I'm telling you now. I actually went your room because last night was the first good night's sleep I've gotten in awhile. When you weren't there…" The fear and the worry I'd always heard in Robin's voice is present in hers. Suddenly she jumps up, _ she doesn't want to admit what she's been feeling_ "So I came downstairs for a snack."

I take her hand as she tries to walk past me "I'm sorry for worrying you Brenda. I didn't mean to. And you're not hungry and you know it." I stand still holding her hand "It's 3:30, it's definitely time for bed. You know you're really lucky you're not a cover hog or you'd be sleeping on the floor."

"You know" she says as she follows me up the stairs "it probably would make more sense for us to share a bedroom in the new house or it's going to look rather odd because after all we are supposed to be in love."

I just laugh as I fell into the bed; _yea laughter was the best way to cover this_. To cover that fact that it was definitely going to drive me insane sleeping with her night after night. Just then she rolls into me as she did the night before only now she is awake; I pull her close to me and we fall asleep listening to each others breath.


	16. My Brother

~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 16

My Brother

~~~~~~~~~

Jason~

I look at my watch for the dozenth time since arriving at Kelly's twenty minutes ago; I had been ten minutes early, and why I expected Brenda to be on time is the question on my mind as I stare into my coffee. "Jason" a voice calls me out of my thoughts.

I look up to see AJ and wonder how I've become soo easily distracted from the world around me; it definitely wasn't a good thing in my line of work. 

I must have taken too long to say anything because he continues on, "Look I just wanted to thank you for watching out for Courtney, I had no idea it was as bad as it was. They arrested Coleman last night. I just wanted to say thank you."

"It really was Coleman? I really thought no one could be that dumb, I was almost positive he was being setup."

"Do you think we should be worried about someone else?" He asks and I could see the concern and fear in his eyes. 

"Just watch out for her, I'll keep looking around for information, chances are though it was just Coleman."

He nods "Thanks" and he turns to walk away. Then oddly enough I call him back, when I normally always try to make him go away. 

"AJ, you know how amazing Courtney is right?"

He turns "I'm dumbfounded each day by how I'm lucky I am to wake up next to her."

I laugh and say "I know the feeling." 

The surprise must have been evident in my face over admitting that to anyone, especially him because he sits down and goes "You love her?"

I wonder if I can stop and cover this up, if I can be a dick to him and tell him it's none of his business, _but who else do I have to turn to?_ "I think so"

"Didn't realize it was happening until it was too late, did you?" he says laughing

"Not a damn clue."

"Brenda's amazing Jason, it's always been evident. Lord knows I wanted her myself for years, even the old Jason wanted her."

"I know" 

"How do you know? Brenda didn't know did she?" He stops and looks at me for a moment "His journals?"

"You knew about them?"

He smiles "I shared a room with the kid for almost 12 years. There was nothing about Jason I didn't know; unfortunately he knew everything about me too. I couldn't even fake the put together older brother act for him."

"You were older by a year?" I question, wondering how there could be so much importance in that one year.

"It was only the two of us, I was supposed to be the mature one." His smile fades

"He knew how hard you tried to make up for Monica and Alan not being there, you were a big brother in every sense of the word."

"I was for awhile"

"It's when you're here"

AJ looks up in surprise "Port Charles?"

I nod, this conversation was weird, but necessary.

"He used to beg me to just leave, to give the family up, to stop trying to be something I could never be." I see the pain so clearly evident in his eyes, he wishes he could have, he wishes for anything that would have kept me from being in the accident.

"Families are supposed to make you strong AJ, not weak."

He gives a small chuckle "Jase used to say that all the time." For a moment he looks like he going to cry, but then he seems to shake it off, _you can't change the past_. "I accepted a job offer in NY, Courtney and I will be there by the end of the week. 

"Do me a favor AJ, not for myself, but for you and Courtney. Don't come back."

He doesn't appear stunned to my words, "I'm not going to, I want to give Courtney the world and I can't do that here." He suddenly smiles "Speaking of wives, yours is here. It was nice talking to you Jason." Then he bestows a simple hello kiss on Brenda's cheek before returning to the counter and Courtney.

"What was that about?" She says sitting down

"I think I found the reason I got into the car with AJ when he was drunk."

She doesn't show any surprise at my use of 'I' which surprises me, I think she's understands me more than I realized. "What was the reason Jase?"

"There's a good guy underneath it all, isn't there?"

"You always saw it better than anyone else; you didn't think he was a lost cause."

"He's not" I quickly defended

"I know he's not, I'm glad you see it."


	17. Look Out Your Humanity Is Showing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 17

Look Out! You're humanity is showing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day:

** _Jason_**_~_

_ Brenda and I had 2nd period free today because Ms. Vilmer was absent so we spent it in the library talking, and we talked so much we didn't realize we had talked into 3rd period, somehow missing the second bell that signaled the start of class. We just kept talking and talking about anything and everything. Sometimes I think Brenda and I are better suited for each other than Karen and I, especially more suited than Jagger and Brenda. _

_ We're different, I'm the first one to point that out, I'm led by responsibility, I do what's expected of me, I try be someone people can be proud to call their friend, their son, their brother, Brenda does what pleases her. Of course she's living up to their expectations of her the same as I am; only they expect so little of someone who could be so great. Brenda and I have such a mirrored past, we both were forgotten children of people who were too self-involved to be parents. _

_ Brenda's got a lot more in common with AJ though, she was the child of a spouse who was hated, AJ was thought to be the child of an affair, a child of a man my father hated. It's funny though, I'm the child of an affair, yet they treat him like that. _

_ Brenda and I started talking about all the things we missed out on growing up (I know some people would say we're still children, but we aren't, not in the important way). There was one thing we agreed on and that was Slip and Slide or the one with the alligator, or it might have been a crocodile, Dad always said we'd get it, but we never did. It was just another dream to be dashed when we'd come home for those summer visits. Brenda and I talked about getting one this summer…I wonder if we really will._

"Earth to Jason"

"Huh?" my head pops up and I look up and see Brenda standing across the room looking perplexed

"I can't believe you were zoned out" she walks towards me "I just entered the apartment, turned the doorknob and everything and you didn't hear me come in"

"Sorry" I say putting the book down "How was physical therapy?"

"Jax is an animal, he just keeps pushing himself and pushing himself, they're worried he's going to hurt himself, but I know him better than that. And don't apologize for acting normal; it's kinda a nice change."

"You're a fine one to talk about normal." I say with a smile. "Peggy called today"

I watch her eyes light up and I love knowing that I'm the one bringing her joy "Aaah tell me what did she say?"

"Saturday"

"Saturday as in this Saturday, as in three days from now?"

"Yup that Saturday"

All of a sudden her look of sheer delight is replaced with fear "We have no furniture"

I stop and look around the apartment and then laugh "What exactly would you call what I'm sitting on then Bren?"

"Oh no, there is going to be no Bachelor's Pad furniture in my beautiful Tudor-Style home. And we still haven't seen the upstairs."

"So we can get rid of this furniture when you find new furniture that is Tudor-Style appropriate."

She flops on the couch and glares at me "I don't think so"

"Why not?"

"I dunno, it's just…."she shakes her head "Something about that just doesn't feel right. There's something about that house and I don't want anything in it, that's…I dunno, I just don't know"

"Let me guess. You want it to be real, permanent, yours." I see the look on her face "Sorry ours. I have been getting a lot better with that."

"Yes you have" she says smiling "And yea, I want this house to be ours, I want it to be a home, I want to have **one real home**. The cottage was at times or it seemed like it could be, but this is going to be a forever type of deal. The cottage was an in-between thing."

"You want to go see the upstairs?"

She smiles "It's 6, the office is closed"

"Your point?" 

As I stand I watch Brenda's face, her excitement is radiant, but I know what she's thinking "We aren't breaking in Bren, Peggy left me her cell phone number and told me to call if I needed anything."

"You shouldn't joke with me like that. I've become quite boring in my old age." She laughs as she looks at the journal I'd just dropped on the coffee table, that journal was written when she was still a so-called wild child. "So have you gotten to any stories of me and the nurses station yet?"

I raise an eyebrow and look at her

She smiles at me "I'm just going to run upstairs to get warmer gloves; mine aren't going to cut it for nighttime."


	18. In My Arms

I hate writer's block and it's only writer's block for the chapter you **have** to write, you can write one 3 chapters away from that one, but not that one. Makes no sense whatsoever, but here is the next chapter, I'll try my best to get the next one out soon, but honestly chances of that are slim so I'm going to apologize in advance and thank everyone who's still reading. 

~~~~~~~~

Chapter 18

In My Arms

~~~~~~~~

"Now this is the master bedroom" Peggy says opening the doors 

I can hear Brenda's sudden intake of a breath 

Peggy hears it too "I know isn't it beautiful. I don't think there's a time of day or a season that this room won't be stunning in, unless we suddenly develop tornado's here." She chuckles a bit

I just stood back and watched Brenda and Peggy move silently towards the windows that overlooked our backyard. The windows were huge and they gave a breathtaking view of the backyard which was covered in a light dusting of snow, which combined with the night and the moon gave it a surreal quality that somehow reminded me of the pyramids because of the utter peace and tranquility it conveyed. Brenda stood at the window for a few moments before turning around. 

"Why aren't you looking, this is so completely beautiful and perfect" she says turning back around

I smile "I know I can see it."

She smiles turning back to the windows I can see her thoughts so clearly at the moment, I can see this is the house she's always dreamed of. Sonny once told me of the plans they had made and how he was going to build her the castle of her dreams. They had put so much planning into that house, there were so many details, some big, some small. Yet we had just had just found this house; before us these dreams had belonged to another couple. Yet this is going to be our home and it's perfect and all we had to do was stumble across it or maybe it found us. 

Peggy rips me out of my thoughts, out of watching, committing every detail of this moment to my memory, the sight of her standing at the window frozen by the amazement of finding perfection in such an imperfect time, "You've got to see this." Brenda and I both walk over to the door Peggy has opened and walking into it rivaled the bedroom in its beauty, the tiles were a light smokey blue, it was spacious and off to the side was a whirlpool fit for 2 and over it was a skylight. 

"Wow" I don't mean to say that, but I do. That tub, that skylight, that made for pretty graphic thoughts all of which containing the woman whose waist I had my arm wrapped around and didn't even realize it. 

"Yea definitely wow" 

"I know" Peggy says walking around the room "This is t he kind of bathroom, you just feel wrong referring to it as a bathroom and you can't tell because you have shoes on but the tiles are heated, there's a knob next to the light switch that controls that. I think this is my favorite room in the whole house," she turns and smiles at us "it feels almost straight out of a romance novel or a movie set."

We just kinda stare at Peggy, okay actually I'm looking at Peggy, but all I'm seeing is that tub, me and Brenda lying in that tub staring up above at the stars. I wonder what her neck would taste like as she's gazing upwards while lying back in my arms, I wonder what really kissing her would be like as I see her turn around and connect with me.

"So let's go see the rest of the rooms" Peggy once more announces and we turn to walk out of the room, I look at Brenda as we start to walk and I wonder if that's a blush I'm seeing or if she's only overheating from having her coat still on. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"This room is just the cutest." Peggy opens the door across from the master bedroom. "It's not finished, but I'm sure you'll agree with me. It might be a little over the top, but…oh..well I'll just let you two see."

She moved to the side and allowed us to walk in the door. It was a kid's room. Probably a kid's dream room. It was painted to imitate the woods, well the woods with sprites, fairies and gnomes all running around. A unicorn looked adoringly up at the sun which was also painted on the walls, along with the regular plants, flowers and trees. The ceiling was covered with clouds; Peggy must have seen me look up at them because the next thing I knew the lights were switched off and stars covered the ceiling. 

She flips the lights back on, "Isn't just the cutest room ever and the built in bookcases and window seat." She sighs again.

Suddenly I realize Brenda's said nothing, not a single word, not a breath since we entered the room. I turn to her and I see her walking towards the unicorn. She traces its mane with her finger. I turn to Peggy "Can you give us a moment?"

She's looking at Brenda in shock, she sees that single tear start to stream down her cheek and I know she's trying to figure out what happened. She nods "I'll be downstairs"

Brenda turns to me as she hears Peggy's disappearing footsteps "You can make-believe all you want to as a child…You know I think I'm doing so well sometimes. I really think I'm coming to terms with it, I mean it's been four years, then I realize I'm just ignoring it."

I move towards her, take her hand and walk her towards the window seat. I adjust myself behind her, allowing her to lean into me as she looks out onto the front yard. "Sometimes ignoring it isn't such a bad idea. You don't come to terms with things by giving up, which is what is seems to mean to you. You can still have years ahead of you Bren."

She shakes her head, I know sometimes living with the knowledge it'll all be gone soon can take away the joy and not enhance it like it should. There's a wistful tone to her voice and she starts to speak, as she starts to share her dream "Can't you see a little kid in this window? Playing, reading, or just waiting. Waiting to see their Daddy's car pull up the driveway. Can't you hear those little feet as they run down the stairs? Feel that little person press their body into yours? You can still have that Jason…

You can still have it, but I don't get to, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming about it, from wishing it was possible with every ounce of my being."

My heart breaks listening to her little vision, listening to how she phrased it, she never says the word mommy. She never continues into my thought of pulling into that driveway. Having the door opened by a kid running at me, launching themselves into my arms and then seeing her standing in the doorway smiling. My heart's not only breaking for her, but for me as selfish as that is. 

I can barely believe I can imagine it, that I can see this whole future for myself for the first time ever, but I definitely can't imagine that with someone besides Brenda. "There are plenty of kids out there who need homes Brenda."

"Who would give a child to a dying woman and a mob boss?"

"I have connections Brenda." I realize what I'm saying to her, I realize I'm asking her, telling her I will make this a real family, but I want it worse than she does. I can just imagine her holding our baby, but I can imagine us loving a child who needs a home just as easily.

"I had my mom leave me Jason; I had her leave me as a kid. I won't do that to a child."

"You wouldn't leave your child like that."

"What would happen when I start to go crazy, what happens when I start to lose it? What would happen if you weren't home? What if I did something to that child.." she bites back the tears "like my mom tried to do with me?" She now finally fully leans into me; she's almost at the point of collapse as she starts to cry. "She would hate me, she would try so hard not to, she would know it was the disease in her brain…but not her heart….All she would know was her mommy tried to hurt her, everything else would be a lie."

"You would never hurt our child Brenda" I say turning her to face me

She laughs looking at me, a sad desperate laugh "Our child…Oh dear god Jason, what have I done to your life…First I force you to marry me, then I force you to move out of your home and now I'm asking you to raise a child while you're caring for me and after..."

"You haven't forced me into anything. I'm still my own person Brenda, I live my life. I said 'I do,' I called Peggy, I asked you if you wanted us to be parents. A child isn't a hardship Brenda, the time I spent being Michael's father was the happiest time in my life."

"So I'm preventing you from finding someone who can give you a child."

"You're my wife. The only person I'd want to be the mother of my child is you."

She's completely clueless of my feelings for her; she thinks this is all because of obligation, partial friendship. She has no idea that I go through all the same feelings; she has no idea when I walk past a store front full of children's toys or clothing my heart breaks a little because I won't be someone's father again. She doesn't realize the terror that runs through me when I drive past a cemetery and realize that one day soon she'll be gone. She just won't be here, I don't know if there's anything besides this life and the thought of her not existing in some form besides just my memory drives such a terror in my heart I can't breathe. "I don't think I can do that to a child. I don't think I can make someone love me, when I know I'm going to leave them."

I just nod, my thoughts have made it impossible for me to breathe; I can't think her being gone anymore. I take her into my arms and I don't say anything, not for a long time. I just need to hold her, remind myself that she's here right now and that's what matters, not tomorrow, not next year, right now she's in my arms…


	19. Moving On

~~~~~~

Moving On 

Chapter 19

~~~~~~

_ Jason~_

"Robin?"

She turns away from the picture she had been looking at and smiles at me, it's so brief before she remembers everything that's happened between us. "Hi Jason, Brenda didn't think you'd be home so soon. She's just over at Sonny's; Michael wanted to show her something he made in school today. Umm…you know I should be going I promised Alan I'd stop over at the hospital, forms and what not." Her words are choppy and rushed

"You're moving back to Port Charles?"

"Uh yea, I thought Brenda would have told you, Alan offered me a residency so I decided it was time for me to come home.

"That's great; I know Brenda can really use you right now."

She stops acting skitterish and looks me right in the eye from as she rose up from lifting her coat off the couch "I wanna be here for Jason, she's always been there for me I want to be here for her now."

"I want you to be here for her Robin. She deserves a friend like you in her corner; she needs someone besides me to tell her to stop feeling sorry for herself."

She looks up at me with hopeful eyes "Does that mean you can stand the sight of me now?"

I laugh, I can't help but laugh, it funny how life is, how emotions are. Robin and I had so many good memories together, so many amazing experiences, so many true expressions of love and loyalty and they were all canceled out by one misplaced good intention that made me hate her, yet it now seems so stupid. "I was his dad Robin."

I see a glimmer of pain in her eyes "Yea I realize that now, but I really thought AJ deserved a chance. You know Jason, I know you never believed me, but AJ can be a good guy every once in awhile and I really thought Michael would make that shine through, I never imagined that he would have reacted the way he did."

"I know you didn't" It's amazing how much lighter you become when you forgive someone, when the past truly is in the past. I see the darkness and the gloom leave her eyes; I wonder how deeply this has troubled her over the years. Robin isn't the type of person to let someone down, to hurt someone, especially someone she loved.

A few tears sparkled in her eyes as she looked up at me "I really should go. It was great seeing you."

Before I could even try to stop her she was out the door. I sat down on the couch thinking…thinking about everything. 

"What the hell did you say to Robin?" is my hello as the door flies open.


	20. Permanent Halloween

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 20

Permanent Halloween 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jason~

My mouth drops open, I can't even manage a 'Huh' because I'm too shocked, _I was nice to her, ** wasn't I?**_

"She just got into the elevator crying and told me she was late for a meeting with Alan, so I'm asking you once more before this ashtray gets thrown at your head." She raises some orangey black object in her hand.

I look at the 'alleged' ashtray with more than a bit of confusion and I think about what I said to Robin "I told her I forgave her or maybe I didn't say that exactly."

She lowers her hand and her eyes grow softer "_You forgave her_?"

"I don't know when I stopped being angry, but I'm not anymore."

She looks away and then back before hesitantly asks "Do you still love her?"

I almost laugh at her words; they're the most hope I've ever had that she might or that she might one day really have feelings for me. I shake my head "Not like that. I'll love her for everything she was for me, but what is it people say something about the sunrise and sunset, it's not that anymore."

She looks away and starts to walk a bit, just shy of pacing "You know maybe if you gave yourself a chance again, you could love her like that again."

"No"

"Jason right now I can be standing in the way of your happiness. You want kids and…"

By now she has started pacing, I grab her by the shoulders and hold her forcing her to look into my eyes "We've had this discussion, you and I are husband and wife, that is not changing and the kids subject, we've done that too. Now we are moving into our house in two and a half days, so stop trying to back out."

She laughs at me and blinks out the tears that had formed in her eyes "I just want you to be happy" she places a hand on my cheek.

"**I am happy**, trust me"

The air between us is still and Brenda like usual breaks it, she saves us from me. "I'm sorry I overreacted again."

"If it makes you feel better, you do it a lot let frequently now."

She smiles looking up at me "I just want her to be happy."

I envelope her in my arms "Bren, you want everyone to be happy. Everyone that is except for you."

"Don't make me sound like a masochist Jase."

"I'm not, but I want you to remember that while you want all of us to be happy we want the same for you."

She pulls away and nods "I know." She shakes her head suddenly "I almost forgot. Michael's ashtray."

She raises the orange with black spots mound in her hand "Do I smoke?"

She laughs "Leticia said something about the teacher offering a list of idea and Michael went with this one, which leads me to seriously wonder what exactly kindergarten teachers are teaching innocent young minds. However Michael was very proud so I'm thinking it can be a very shallow candy dish, our first new piece of décor for our home."

"Promise me we don't have to match the living room to it."

"What you don't like the thought of permanent Halloween?"

I just laugh and she joins in.


	21. Blue Into Blue

~~~~~~~~~~

Blue Into Blue

Chapter 21

~~~~~~~~~~

Jason~

It's funny how happy you can become without even realizing it. I mean I knew being with Brenda made me happier than anything else had ever done in this world, she still stresses me out on occasion, but I've never been so happy. I realized this today as she screamed when she turned the key in lock…

"Aaaah" she flings the door open and admires our entryway

"Bren, you're acting like we haven't seen the house before" I laughed

"But it's ours now, ours, yours and mine, everything in the house will be ours and only ours. Our sofa, our bed, our silverware. I mean everything Jason, even the pots and pans that are just going to hang above the island, they're ours. It's all ours."

I fake seriousness for a moment, "The pots and pans which are only going to hang above the island and will never be brought down right."

She laughs, she smirks, "I told you to stop listening to Sonny; I can cook. I'm not claiming to be a gourmet chef, but even I can follow the instructions." 

Her entire face lights up when she laughs, her body moves with it and it's contagious, I've stopped thinking about Sonny and Jax and hell Alcazar, I've stopped thinking that I've fallen just like them. No, I stop thinking that I'm like Jax and Alcazar, who fell in love with her, but were never truly loved back. I've just accepted it now, there's nothing more to do than just that. To just accept it, I love Brenda and I will love every day I have with her and be thankful for this time, for my time with her. I still hold myself back though, I want to pick her up and swing her around and laugh as loudly as she, make her laugh even more, but I know it's not the right time, it may never be the right time.

~~~~~~~~That Evening~~~~~~~~~~

She's out right now, she went to go pick up food at Kelly's, she's too independent to just give in and let me get it or even to just let me go with her, but I understand that. I finally understand the point of her being so stubborn, I understand how she's trying to hold onto who she is, her individuality, she's trying not to be dependent because every time she becomes dependent on someone it falls apart. Fundamentally it's the basics of psychology that are only noticed when people stop and think about them, but people so rarely do that, she's teaching me to stop and think more.

I hear a car approach; _living at street level is going to take some getting used to once more._

I go over to the window and see Reginald already out of the driver's door and heading to open Edward's door, it's Edward because he's the only one that ever gets driven around. I open the door as I hear Edward's footsteps on the porch. 

"Brenda's not here."

"I see being married to Brenda hasn't taught you any manners."

"I'll tell her you came by"

"She's at Kelly's Jason, I already called her and I knew she was there, I came here because I want to talk to you in private."  
  


I continue to look at him, I examine his face, the clear love he has for Brenda shows as always, there are only three people that cause Edward to have that look; the other two are Grandmother and Emily. There was a picture though from my high school graduation of him looking at me just like that, it's hard to imagine.

"Are you going to invite me in or I am going to stand here and freeze to death?" 

I continue to look, but finally I move to the side, unfortunately I love those same three people he loves and they'd be rather upset if I let the old man freeze to death.

He walks past me into the foyer and then into the living room "It's as beautiful as Brenda described it" he says looking around "beautiful lines. Not showy at all, very Brenda."

"I doubt you came here to discuss architecture."

He looks slightly baffled, a weakness I'm told he only shows to family and friends. In business I'm told he's ruthless, heartless, never shows a moment of weakness of confusion. He looks at me and then looks away, he walks over to the fireplace and picks up a picture; it's a recent picture of Brenda and me, surrounded by the old ones of the past I cannot recall. "This was all I ever wished for." He turns showing me the picture, "this right here, these two bodies, sealed together by those rings. The moment I met Brenda, she became family, there was just something about her that I'm sure you realized by now, you just love her without reason.

I know you're different from this man, this young man here" he continues on "He was just a child, a young innocent child who didn't deserve what happened to him. I know we all punish you for that, we can't just walk away from you like you always wanted because on some levels you're still him and we can't really let go of him yet. You see it just wasn't fair, that Jason…our Jason, the one real/the one good thing that came out of our family died at 22," he pauses for a moment "he just was 22." He shakes his head still trying to understand it over six years later, "Just a kid and it was so sudden, the change between you and him was too drastic, too severe, our Jason wasn't meant to do anything that wasn't positive and you took lives with the hands that had been meant to save them."

I get frustrated hearing his last words, I'd heard them too many times, "I know this Edward"

"I know you do; I didn't mean to come here to say all of that."

"What did you come here for Edward?"

"I came to say I'm happy for you that I am thankful beyond words that you've found happiness with someone like Brenda. I know you didn't get married for love, but I always knew that if you and Brenda just had a chance you would make it, I knew that you would be happy together. Despite the fact that you aren't the young man I watched grow up it was always still there. She's such an amazing person and I know you will never forget that or abuse it. Your loyalty, your devotions to your family is still there as it always was, your idea of who consitues your family is just different… 

But you made our family proud by marrying her; she's always belonged in our family, now you made it official." His voice had reached levels of sincerity I had never heard before; it had depths of love I didn't believe he was capable of. "Love Jason really is the only thing that matters, quote me on this and I'll deny it, but I would have willingly been poor, I would willingly be living in a nursing home right now as long as I had Lila by my side. It took me most of my life to realize that, I know you and Brenda don't have that kind of time, so I wanted to make sure you knew to make every moment count, don't leave anything to regret."

Our eyes locked, blue into blue and I saw that look. I saw the look I always watched him give Lila, I saw the look AJ did everything in his power to lure his way, but always failed. 

"Who the hell left Reginald outside?" Brenda yells as the door opens and our eyes tear apart.


	22. Too Late, Too Soon

Chapter 22

Too Late, Too Soon

_ Jason~_

_ I love coming home at the end of every day. I love walking into our house and knowing that Brenda will be inside waiting for me. She always is, she asks me every morning what time I'm going to be home and she's always there. Waiting to tell me about her day, show me what's she's bought or just talk about my day, well the parts I can tell her. Our house has been furnished in record time, sometimes we meet up during the day or at the end and we shop, sometimes she goes out on her own, but mostly it's been us and it hasn't been total hell. Her excitement over everything passes to be, just like this morning she came rushing to find me in the kitchen with a huge smile plastered on her face telling me, "Ned and Alexis had a little girl, they're naming her Kristina" Somehow at the end of it all I was agreeing to go with her to the hospital after I got home. I actually came home early just for that, well and to see her an hour ahead of schedule. _

_ It's funny though, if I had just come home an hour earlier or on time, I would have never seen this. I wish I never saw this. I wish I never saw them together, Sonny and Brenda, the couple that was meant to be._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Are you happy?"

She turns slowly and smiles "Of course." She shakes her head looking around her kitchen, it was beautiful, everything was beautiful, perfect; _everything was flawless._

"I don't mean about the house. I mean are you happy, really happy." 

He walks closer to her and she fights the urge to back away, close proximity to him was never a smart idea. "I have a great life Sonny, I have a beautiful new house and most importantly I have Jason."

"You love him?"

She stares into his expressionless gaze and nods

"You really love him?"

She smiles, trying to hide her discomfort with the situation "Didn't I just nod?"

"Tell me the words." He takes another step closer

"Why?"

"Just tell me. Tell me you love him as you loved me. Tell me he knocked me out of your out of your head…_your heart_. Tell me you don't catch yourself thinking about me when you're with him. When you're in his arms…_you never think about me_."

"Why are you doing this?" She blinks ferociously trying to keep the tears from her eyes.

"**Just tell me**" He says forcefully

"_Why do you always do this_?" Her expression becomes pained and his heart starts to break "Why do you always do this? I'm happy Sonny, I'm really happy." She looks down, hoping that not looking into his eyes will save her some pain "Every time I start to be happy again you try to take it away." She looks up and through her blurred eyes she asks "Why do you always try to hurt me when you always claimed to love me so much?"

She sees the pain rip through his eyes and even more rips through her his words stagger out, "I have never tried to hurt you Bren; I can't believe you think I do." He walks back and collapses into a chair and looks up at her "I just need to know you're happy, tell me that you love him. Tell me that you're happy." He begs through the tears

She looks down at him, "I am." 

"You love him?"

"I do"

"Do you forgive me? Do you forgive me for being weak, for hurting you the way I did? I thought I was doing what was right, but the moment they told me you were gone, I realize I was weak and that's why I did it."

"You aren't weak, you have always been one of the strongest people I know and I forgave you the moment they told me I was sick…The moment I found out I could actually be sick. I knew that I would do anything in my power to protect you and Jax. I could have found you, Sonny; I could have been with you. The accident gave me the perfect cover, a chance for us to be together, but when the doctor told me I was had it I knew there would be no calling Jason, no demanding him to send you to me or me to you. I knew I could never allow you to hurt, I couldn't allow something that was happening to me to destroy you. I finally understood totally. I did understand after I went to Lily's grave, but only partially. I did want to be alive more than I wanted to be your wife. I was willing though to risk it, but your happiness, that I couldn't risk."

She sinks down to just below his eye level, with her hands on his knees she whispers "You did the right thing Sonny."

"Then why doesn't it feel like it?"

She smiles up at him "Because it's not what you wanted. This isn't the future we planned for, we dreamed, but this is what life gave us."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

It was the most natural thing in the world when there lips connected, so many years apart, yet it felt like only yesterday they had kissed to prove that it was over between them, _it felt like only yesterday that they had lied to each other._ The problem was it wasn't yesterday and within moments of their lips connecting reality took over. She was married, he was married, and they were over. They broke apart, never seeing Jason watching from the doorway, never seeing him take off as their lips connected.

"I'm sorry" he says as she starts to stand.

She shakes her "Don't be, we needed the goodbye, we needed the closure to everything we once were because it's just that, it's what/who we once were."

"Jason's the strongest person you know now isn't he?"

She looks down at him confused

"You said that I'm one of the strongest people you know. Jason's the strongest though isn't he?"

She nods; she hadn't even realized it until that moment that she thought of Jason that way.

"I'm glad he makes you happy." He says as he stands, "I should get going."

She just nods and sinks down into the chair as he walks out the door.


	23. That Smile's Not For Me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 23

That Smile's Not For Me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Jason~_

Marco's in front of the house, Sonny's driver, Sonny must have told him to go take a drive. Without even looking at him, I tell him I was never here, but I see him in my rearview mirror, looking at me with pity as I drive off. 

I gave up everything for her, my apartment, my bike; I couldn't drive my bike without worrying, in a car I knew I always had a better chance of being around to keep her safe. She never wanted it from me though, she never asked me to, all she did was ask me to marry her to keep Sonny and Jax married to their wives. I should have married her and taken her straight to Europe, we never should have come back here, yet we did and now I think everyone but Sonny and Brenda will be in agony, just like normal. It's funny because as much as I want to be angry for Carly and Michael, I'm not, it just pales to the pain **I** feel, it does more than pale. 

Even the happiness I thought I might feel for Brenda getting to spend her final days with the man she loves pales. That whole if you love them let them go thing is bullshit, it's more than bullshit. I needed more of a chance, I needed to have her without Sonny around; I needed to show her there was a life without him. I was stupid though, _I kept her here._

That thought stops me, I pull over, just blocks from my house; I just pull over and realize my thoughts. I wanted to isolate her from the things she loved just like Alcazar did, I wanted to take away everything that brings meaning into her life, just because maybe then she'd love me because there was nothing else. I disgust myself, I shock myself; I pity myself, just like Marco did. I have a lot with Brenda, it should make me happy, yet I just keep wanting more. 

I turn the key again; I listen to the slight roar of the engine. I start to drive, hoping that I'll get some clarity on the open roads. 

I just drive, for hours I drive, no where in particular, just off and on highways as I pleased. Three hours later I see the sign for Port Charles again, 7 miles away. I have two options follow it or run away for good this time because I could never go back to that town after she was gone from it. 

I follow the sign. 

I pull up into my driveway, the porch light's on, she's been waiting for me; I'm an hour and a half late. As I open the front door I hear her call "I tried calling you:"

"Oh, I turned off my phone" I hear my voice, it sounds normal. "What'd you do today?"

"Sonny and Michael came by, we built a snowman." She says from the top of the stairs smiling down at me.

"Sonny played in the snow?"

She laughed as she walked down towards me, almost glowing; her cheeks still rosy from being outside so much. "Sonny dictated more than he played, but in his defense he wasn't really dressed for the snow. He actually didn't stay that long, Michael and I spent a few hours together though. He decided he should have his own room here, he can't stand the sprites and the gnomes though and I refuse to paint over them, so he's getting the room next to it, we're thinking race cars as the theme."

"Sounds good" I'm confused, I'm shocked, she's not saying anything about Sonny, there are no tear marks on her face, she's happy, she's just so happy, it's the only evidence of him being here today and if I hadn't come home earlier, I would have thought the happiness was about me.

"We can still make visiting hours"

I raise my eyebrows and look at her

"Kristina?" she looks at me for some recognition, "Remember Ned and Alexis's daughter, born at 4:13 this morning."

I smile, I fake my happiness "That's right, you ready to go?"

"Let me just go put on shoes."


	24. Everything's Fine

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 24

Everything's Fine

~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Jason~_

I fake a laugh and smile as Emily says something that caused that reaction from everyone else. We're at Jake's, we meaning Brenda, Emily, Zander and of course myself. There are an extra 3 people in this bar at the moment that I know. I just want to sit here and have beer after beer on my own, I do not want to see her face, nor do I want to have to try to play the polite kind older brother when all I want to do is start a fight. All I can see are Sonny and Brenda in the kitchen, in our ** kitchen**. I should have walked in when I saw them together, I should have walked in when I heard Brenda's declaration of forgiveness, their confessions of love, I should have done anything but walk away after I saw them kiss. But I couldn't risk walking in at that point there was too great of a chance I would slam my fist into my best friend, my partner's face. I'm already on my third beer within a half an hour of getting here. Why I had let Brenda drag me to the hospital to see Kristina, Alexis and Ned's child I don't know. Why I had allowed myself into being talked into going to Jake's with them to celebrate I don't know, at the moment Brenda's sweet smile, completely unaware she had hurt me, completely unaware it was possible to hurt me and the thought of massive amounts of alcohol to ease the pain seemed like a good idea, right now though, it was not working. "We should celebrate this properly." They all turn to me, I know they're expecting champagne, but I instead turn to the bartender "4 shots of tequila"

I turn to see the females grimacing

"Explain to me how me throwing up all night is celebrating Kristina's birth?" Brenda questions

I just laugh and hand the shot that was quickly placed in front of me to her and down mine before Emily and Zander even take theirs off the bar.

"Weren't we supposed to toast?" Emily says staring at me

I just look at her, then turn back to the bartender and motion to my glass, she fills it back up. "To Kristina" I say raising the shot up, I control my urge to immediately take the shot and wait for them to raise their glasses and repeat my words. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Emily corners me off to the side as Brenda and Zander look through the jukebox

"Nothing, what makes you think anything is wrong?"

"Six beers and three shots in under an hour."

"Am I drunk?" I ask only because I know I'm not, not yet that is, soon but not yet.

She frowns "You've spoken two words to Brenda all night."

"You're exaggerating"

"You aren't acting like yourself."

"How am I acting?"

She looks at me, searching for the words

I look at her and laugh, it's not a nice laugh though, it's a sarcastic laugh "Let me guess, like normal, like a normal person that is. Like someone who gets to have moods, who gets to be happy, sad, pissed, without any real reason. Then again I don't get to act like that because I'm just a robot, no feelings no emotions, right/wrong, black/white….I don't get the gray."

She's confused; she's shocked, she's never had to deal with this, because it was always either perfect Jason Q or one dimensional Jason Morgan. "What's wrong?" she asks

"Nothing" I point to the shot glasses still on the bar and Julie, our faithful little bartender rushes over to fill them. I hand a shot to Emily, then proceed to take the remaining 3 on my own. I take a deep breath because I know soon this pain will ease. I now know why so many people become alcoholics; it's so freeing just letting go of everything…

"Everything okay guys?" Zander says approaching us and seeing the serious looks on our faces

"Yea" I say before Em can respond "Everything's fine."

"Good" Zander says with a nod of his head, I can see in his eyes that the alcohol is starting to affect him "Pool?" He says motioning towards the table.

"Sounds good. You pair up with Emily, I'll take Brenda."


	25. Just a Normal Guy

Just a Normal Person

Chapter 24

_Jason~_

I fake a laugh and smile as Emily says something that caused that reaction from everyone else. We're at Jake's, we meaning Brenda, Emily, Zander and of course myself. There are an extra 3 people in this bar at the moment that I know. 

I just want to sit here and have beer after beer on my own, I do not want to see her face, nor do I want to have to try to play the polite kind older brother when all I want to do is start a fight. All I can see are Sonny and Brenda in the kitchen, in our ** kitchen**. I should have walked in when I saw them together, I should have walked in when I heard Brenda's declaration of forgiveness, their confessions of love, I should have done anything but walk away after I saw them kiss. But I couldn't risk walking in at that point there was too great of a chance I would slam my fist into my best friend, my partner's face. 

I'm already on my third beer within a half an hour of getting here. Why I had let Brenda drag me to the hospital to see Kristina, Alexis and Ned's child I don't know. Why I had allowed myself into being talked into going to Jake's with them to celebrate I don't know, at the moment Brenda's sweet smile, completely unaware she had hurt me, completely unaware it was possible to hurt me and the thought of massive amounts of alcohol to ease the pain seemed like a good idea, right now though, it was not working. "We should celebrate this properly." They all turn to me, I know they're expecting champagne, but I instead turn to the bartender "4 shots of tequila"

I turn to see the females grimacing

"Explain to me how me throwing up all night is celebrating Kristina's birth?" Brenda questions

I just laugh and hand the shot that was quickly placed in front of me to her and down mine before Emily and Zander even take theirs off the bar.

"Weren't we supposed to toast?" Emily says staring at me

I just look at her, then turn back to the bartender and motion to my glass, she fills it back up. "To Kristina" I say raising the shot up, I control my urge to immediately take the shot and wait for them to raise their glasses and repeat my words. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Emily corners me off to the side as Brenda and Zander look through the jukebox

"Nothing, what makes you think anything is wrong?"

"Six beers and three shots in under an hour."

"Am I drunk?" I ask only because I know I'm not, not yet that is, soon but not yet.

She frowns "You've spoken two words to Brenda all night."

"You're exaggerating"

"You aren't acting like yourself."

"How am I acting?"

She looks at me, searching for the words

I look at her and laugh, it's not a nice laugh though, it's a sarcastic laugh "Let me guess, like normal, like a normal person that is. Like someone who gets to have moods, who gets to be happy, sad, pissed, without any real reason. Then again I don't get to act like that because I'm just a robot, no feelings no emotions, right/wrong, black/white….I don't get the gray."

She's confused; she's shocked, she's never had to deal with this, because it was always either perfect Jason Q or one dimensional Jason Morgan. "What's wrong?" she asks

"Nothing" I point to the shot glasses still on the bar and Julie, our faithful little bartender rushes over to fill them. I hand a shot to Emily, then proceed to take the remaining 3 on my own. I take a deep breath because I know soon this pain will ease. I now know why so many people become alcoholics; it's so freeing just letting go of everything…

"Everything okay guys?" Zander says approaching us and seeing the serious looks on our faces

"Yea" I say before Em can respond "Everything's fine."

"Good" Zander says with a nod of his head, I can see in his eyes that the alcohol is starting to affect him "Pool?" He says motioning towards the table.

"Sounds good. You pair up with Emily, I'll take Brenda."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brenda giggles 

I turn to her "What?"

"You're drunk" Her eyes widen as she says this, she once more turns to a giggle

"You're one to speak"

"I never claimed to be sober" she giggles some more

Brenda probably has one of the cutest laughs I've ever heard, _who am I kidding? _She has ** the** cutest laugh I've ever heard and no one else's has even come close. 

"I like you drunk" she says raising up a hand to touch my cheek looking deep into my eyes. She leaves her hand there and doesn't move as she looks into my eyes. Even in my state, I can feel my breath freeze, I wanna tell her I like her all the time and if she wanted me to, I'd always be drunk. I'd do anything she'd ask. "I never got my dance at Luke's"

"I never promised you a dance at Luke's"

Still gazing into my eyes, "I'm your wife Jason, for better or worse, that means you put up with dancing." Better for me, worse for you." She ends with a laugh and I laugh with her and lift her off the barstool. 

In movies it seems that music has perfect timing, in real life though it has a little sister. Brenda leads me to the dance floor and as she turns to me the music changes. It's slow and I pull her close for awhile I don't hear anything, I feel a rhythm, I feel her. The music slowly enters my brain, I struggle to keep hold of the situation, and I can't forget the facts…

_ Forever always seems to be around when things begin_

_ But forever never seems to be around when things end_

_ So give me your forever_

_ Please your forever_

_ Not a day less will do_

_ From you_

She stops and looks up at me as the music ends; she just looks up into my eyes. A new song starts, but we don't move. She just looks at me. I realize that if there were ever a moment to kiss her this would be it. I can't though, even through my alcohol induced fog, I know I could never be happy with just one kiss.

I start moving again, it's a faster song. It takes Brenda a moment; she catches the beat of the song and lowers her gaze. I know the song this time, it's "Blaze of Glory."

"I'm going down in a blaze of glory/Take me now but know the truth/I'm going out in a blaze of glory /And lord never I drew first but I drew first blood" Zander and Emily sing from next to Brenda and I, the next thing I realize we're singing right along with them. With one arm around Brenda we're facing them and singing at the top of our lungs. 

Kitty, the one waitress in this place comes over to us at the end as we're laughing "Four more you guys?"

Emily starts to shake her head no as Zander nods. "Em, come on, you need to be awake for anything tomorrow?"

"No, but I would like to be able to move three days from now." She laughs

Brenda's the one who decides "Four more" she says with a smile

"Am I the only one who's noticed we're drunk?" Emily asks turning back to us

"I realized that" I look down at my watch "about an hour ago Em"

"Yea" Brenda says nodding in agreement "I was drunk about 45 minutes into being here."

"I put all the blame on this man" Zander says slapping my back

Brenda nods "He is the tequila man"

"I may be the tequila man, but who's ordered at least the last dozen rounds of beer?" I say looking at her

"We have soooo not had a dozen rounds of beer, I'm still standing." She smiles, "But not for long" she sees Kitty already approaching with our beers

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brenda and I attempt playing pool again, it doesn't go so well. We keep ending up laughing. Brenda goes to take a shot and the next thing I know the cue ball is flying towards me and I have to duck out of the way. Brenda runs towards me laughing so hard no sound is coming out of her mouth besides gasps for air. She falls upon me, hugging me as she laughs, pressing every inch of her body against me. I hold her upright as she continues to laugh so hard her body is violently shaking against mine and eventually I stop laughing because I can't breathe, but not because anything is funny. She looks up at me again, she just continues to look, I have no idea what she's seeing, but she keeps looking so intently. "I wanna dance again."

I start to say something, but then I realize something, we're already swaying to the music. "We already are."

_ Well I'm so far away every step that I take's on my way home_

_ Kings ransom in dimes I give each night to see through this pay phone_

_ Still I run out of time or it's hard to get through to the pearl on the wire that brings me back to you_

_ I just close my eyes and whisper, but Baby but our love is true_

_I wanna lay you down in a bed of roses_

_ For the night I sleep on a bed of nails_

_I wanna be just as close as the Holy Ghost is_

_ And lay you down on a bed of roses_

_ Well there's hotel bars, hangovers, whiskeys gone dry…_

We'd stop moving again and we were just staring as she tilted her chin up and the next thing I realized we were kissing. It happened so naturally, it felt as if we'd been doing this our whole lives. It wonderful, exciting, but it felt natural. I couldn't tear my mouth away from hers even if I tried. My hands went to her hair and her hands clenched around my neck. I tried to regain sanity, but it was a lost cause. She sighed as I pulled away and then pulled me back. There was no stopping at that point. I remember lifting her up, I wanted her closer to me, I wanted her eye level. I felt her legs wrap around my waist. I heard Emily's giggle and I remembered we were still in the bar, still in public. 

I pull our mouths apart again "Bren, we're in public" 

I go to let her down, but she clamps her legs onto my waist "I don't care" she whispers in my ear as she moves her lips to my neck. I groan aloud, I can't help it. She then allows herself to slip to the floor "Pay the tab" 

"Kitty" I call across the bar, she tries to pretend, she hadn't been watching. I drop a few hundreds down; I don't bother looking to see how much I've put down. I turn back around and realize Brenda isn't standing there anymore; I look around and see she's at the door _waiting for me._ Her look was all the invitation I needed. My lips recapture hers as one hand pushes against the door as the other locked around her body. The car's waiting for us, we stumble towards it, never separating, we know we're there only by the fact that Brenda's body slams up against it. For a moment we stay there, till I grope around enough to find the handle. We turn as Brenda pushes me into the car; the car door eventually shuts, not by either of us. I'm propped up against the side with Brenda on me. The car starts moving, but we can barely tell…


	26. The Morning After

  
  
**  
Chapter 25  
  
The Morning After  
**  
  
_Jason_  
  
I've been awake for almost ten minutes, I woke up how I normally wake up with Brenda in my arms. Only this morning is different and I don't mean because neither of us are wearing any clothing. It's different because I know it'll be the last morning. My antics last night were stupid, amazing but stupid. I should have pulled away after the first kiss, I should have regained my sanity in the limo instead of carrying Brenda inside with her legs once more wrapped around my waist and her lips alternating between mine and my neck. I should have dropped her to the floor inside of trying to carry her upstairs and losing track of my destination about halfway up the stairs. I wish I could really regret what happened in those hours in between and a part of me does, but I can't. It's been all I've dreamed about for weeks, hell maybe even months and it was more amazing than I thought possible.   
  
The only reason I regret it is because I don't know what it's going to do to us. I made love to the love of my life, a woman whose in love with another man, my best friend. I know Brenda, she'll regret this. I know she didn't regret it last night, I know every time she woke up, she reached for me, but I know in the light of day she will.   
  
I finally force myself to look at the clock, 10:15 it read, the last time I'd looked at it, it had been almost 6. I realize I might as well go to the office, it was bound to be better to get the pain over with than lie here holding her in my arms for the last time because it hurt too much to realize that what we had was over.

* * *

She's awake by the time I get out of the shower, dressed in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt looking out the window. "It's almost spring" is all she says  
  
"I'm sure we're in for a few more storms before then."  
  
"Yea that always happens, I always break out all of my spring stuff and then winter comes back with a vengeance."  
  
I continue to watch her looking outside, I curse myself for not having brought clothing into the bathroom with me so I wouldn't be standing here in a towel now. I also curse myself for being unable to say anything about last night.  
  
"I'm sorry" she says still looking outside  
  
It draws me out of my thoughts, "Huh?"  
  
"About last night I'm sorry."  
  
"Bren"  
  
"No," she turns and waves her hand dismissing my words "I mean I know it was both of us, but it was stupid. I don't want to destroy our friendship Jason."  
  
"Our friendship will be fine."  
  
She shakes her head some more "I didn't want this to happen. Can we just try to forget about it?"  
  
I force myself to not shut my eyes in pain, my heart has been ripped out, but I can't show her that. "We can just blame it on the booze Bren, we can move past it."  
  
She nods her head and turns back to the window "Thank you." 


	27. Jealousy

**Chapter 27**

**Jealousy**

The Office:

I slam my hand into the stacks of papers on my desk. I send them flying across the room and then I collapse down into my chair. _How had I fucked this up? What was I thinking last night?_

"What happened?"

I jerked up when I heard Sonny's voice, I'd never even heard the door open. "Nothing" I was shocked to hear my own voice, it was almost a growl.

"I know something's wrong and I know it's about Brenda."

I jump to my feet, "She called you!"

"What if she had?"

"She's my wife Sonny, Carly is yours."

"I'm aware of that Jason, thank you for reiterating though."

"You aren't aware though, Brenda isn't yours anymore."

"Is this because I came by yesterday?"

I decide to play dumb, pretend like I didn't know about their kiss. "Why did you come by my house? You knew I wasn't home."

"Michael wanted to build a snowman."

"You're aware this town has several parks right? And actually don't you own a farm or whatever the hell it is not too far from here? Oh that's right you don't go there since it reminds you of Brenda too much."

I can see it in Sonny's face that he wants to hit me, I see him struggle to contain the same temper I'm barely controlling. "Okay first things first, I did NOT go to your house yesterday to try to make a move on your wife, I went there because she has nothing else to do during the day, she shops and spends time with Jax, every once in awhile she goes to the Quartermaine's, that's it. Secondly, you are the one who is with her now. This was this little rule from when I was growing up that you may not be aware of "Bros before Ho's," that means that you don't go after the love of your best friend's life. I wanted to grow old with her, I wanted to be there in sickness and in health. These final years of her life should be spent with me and not you, but you just ignored the fact that I would give up the world for her and you took her for your own."

"Carly, Sonny, did you miss the fact that you slept with the woman I had loved, that you took my son for your own?"

Pain tore through his eyes, "I didn't know you loved her, you've got to believe me on that. There is no way I would have ever touched her if I had thought that for a second. What did you want me to do about Michael? You weren't there Jase, you had to run off and lick your wounds and you left that little boy behind. Did you want me to turn him away when he came to me with a toy? Did you want me to ignore him when he cried? What did you want me to do?"

"I guess what it comes down to is that we both made choices in our life. We both need to respect them. Michael is your son now and Brenda is my wife, there will be no going over to hang out with her when I'm not there. I'm not saying that you can't be her friend, but you can only ever be her friend."

"I understand that Jason" and with that he walked out the door.

There was nothing left for me to do but collapse into my chair. I hated myself in that moment. I hated being the person to cause so much pain to be evident on Sonny's face. I had known that it was **Sonny and Brenda, **it was never Jax and Brenda, it was never Brenda and Luis, it was always and would always be Brenda and Sonny. In the end I would be a footnote in her life. It was one of those things I had to learn to deal with.


	28. Something's Wrong

****

**Chapter 28**

**Something's Wrong**

****

"Jason" I turn as Robin chases after me in the rain.

"Whoa" I say grabbing her as she slides catching up to me in front of Kelly's

"Thanks," she says catching her breath and pushing her hair out of her face.

She had been over several times in the month and a half that she'd been home and it still amazes me how much she'd grown as a person in her time away, she'd really only been a kid when I thought she was an adult.

"Let's go inside" I say pushing open the door to Kelly's

"Good idea" she says shrugging out of her wet coat. "You know all my life I'd always thought April showers, were just part of the rhyme, now I know better."

"Yea it's rained all week hasn't it?" _Not that I'd notice a difference between this week and the last one or the one before that, they'd all been rather gloomy. The weather this week just finally fit my attitude._

"Yea and this was the week that I hit a pothole and I broke my axel so I've been walking back to work everyday."

I smile "Didn't you rent that apartment for that particular reason?"

"Yea pouring rain wasn't what I had in mind when I was thinking of walking every day." She stopped and looked at me for a moment trying to remember why she stopped me, "I'm sorry I've been on call for so long, I can't remember what day it is."

"Wednesday" I say to her reasoning behind her confusion

Another confused look crosses her face, "Okay in that case I think my fish might be dead. I remember feeding them after Sunday brunch and that's it. Still not the reason I stopped you." She shook her head, "Is Brenda okay?"

I sit up straight, my amusement over her fish gone, "Why?"

Her eyes grow big "I saw her at the hospital Jase, she looked terrible. I don't mean physically."

I start running through my mind about past few weeks, we hadn't spent as much time together after our night together and whenever we did it seemed to be fake anyway. Everything was out of place, how was I supposed to see things that were wrong? "She hasn't said anything to me." _My heart's pounding, I think I might be sick in Kelly's, what happens if this it? What if this is the start of the end?_

"Jason calm down" Robin says reaching across the table to take my hand, "she's probably fine, just having a bad day."

"A bad day in the hospital?"

"Maybe Jax had therapy"

"He switched out of the program there, someone comes to his place and she wasn't there meeting you."

"Monica?" she offers the suggestion meekly

"Robin exactly how many lunches did you have with her when we were together?"

"Look Jason, I probably overreacted and it's probably nothing."

"Even if it is nothing, thank you for telling me. Brenda and I haven't really been in a place lately where I think she's comfortable telling me anything."

"I know something happened, she gets weird when I mention you. Whatever it is, I don't really think it's worth fighting over right now." A shrill comes from her waist, "Oh god" she cries and turns it off without even looking at it, "My fish are definitely going to be dead before I get back there. I gotta go. Can you please call me if there is anything I can do?"

"Will do."


	29. Something Wrong?

* * *

**Chapter 29**

_Something's Wrong?_

**

* * *

**

"Brenda?" I say as I open up the door and I get no response. "Brenda?" I say running up the stairs and into our room, she's not there and not in our bathroom, I know she's home though, the guard said she came home two hours ago.

Panic rushes through me, if the doctor had said something was happening, I don't think of the means she might take to prevent it.

My heart almost drops to my feet in relief as I see her sitting in the window seat of the bedroom Michael had refused. "Bren, didn't you hear me calling?"

She turns and nods, "I saw you come up too, you were running, what's wrong?" her voice is devoid of emotions

"I came to ask you that," I say squatting down next to her, "I saw Robin, she said you weren't looking well."

She smiled "Don't worry, not insane, just having a weird day." She looked back out the window.

I raise my hand up to her hair "You could tell me about it, maybe I can help."

She shook her head "Definitely not the kind of thing you can swoop in and fix."

"Maybe telling someone about it will help."

She shook her head and suddenly I saw tears in her eyes

"Bren come on, it's hurting you, whatever this is, it's hurting you."

"It's tearing out my heart" she chokes back a sob

"Oh god Bren" I move her over and get into the small window seat with her. "Whatever it is, we'll get through it together." I say hugging her close to me.

She just shakes her head more and can't control her tears.

"Shhh, whatever it is, it can't be that bad."

"I'm pregnant"

My breath stops.

"I've been sitting here for hours thinking about how our child is going to sit up here and wait for you, waiting to run into your arms because they're going to love you so much and they won't even remember me. I'll be someone in pictures, I'll be someone they're told stories of, but they won't have ever known me. All they'll know is they had a crazy mommy who had to be locked away."

My eyes have welled up with tears, I can't breathe. Part of me is so ecstatic that we're going to have a baby, but all I can think about is holding our child's hand standing over her grave. _Stop it_ I tell myself, **Stop before she sees you**, I can't listen to myself though, I can't say any comforting words, I just grip her tighter and listen to her tears, willing mine to at least stay in my eyes.

She turns to face me breaking free of my arms, I try to wipe away the tears before she realizes their extent. "Oh god and I've destroyed your life."

"My life isn't destroyed" My voice comes out sounding like gravel.

"You're crying" she tears herself away from me and stands up.

I follow her and turn her back to me "I cry Brenda, I'm sorry there's a shocker, I'm human, I get emotional."

"You're emotional because I destroyed your life, not only do you have to deal with me until I get sick and you have to put me away, you have to raise a child on your own. You don't get rid of me in a few years like you planned, I'm with you forever in our child and if she gets sick too…" Tears starting falling heavier again.

"Stop it." I say trapping her in my arms, "I'm upset because I hate having to think about you dying. I'm human Brenda, the thought of you dying kills me. If I could switch places with you I would. In a heartbeat Bren."

She places a hand over her stomach, "She could be sick Jason. She could hate me like I hate Veronica, Veronica's dead and I still hate her. I hate her for giving me this. For giving me just a taste of life."

I raise her chin with my finger and force her to look in my eyes. "All of that's in the future Brenda and look at you, you have almost 30 years of life behind you. You're not guaranteed anything in this life, look at the world around you. How many people have you known who have died young? Do you think Stone regretted a single moment of living? When you were going off that bridge were you hating the world for letting you live all those years? Were hating loving Sonny? Were you hating coming to this town and being accepted finally for who you were? Or were you remembering it all?"

"I was being selfish and wanting more. All of those memories flashed before my eyes and all I wanted was more. I had so many happy memories and all I wanted was more."

"I've never wanted to die, I've been shot at so many times, I've been so close that I've accepted that I'm going to die, but I never wanted to, I wasn't scared of it, I'd just rather live for longer. I think that's part of life. I can't imagine how many years it must take before you're ready for that."

"So what now?"

"We gotta make a promise to each other, to live in the present."

"Jase, when I get sick."

"No" I say shaking my head, "You've got to trust me enough to know that I will take care of you when you're sick."

"You have to send me away."

"Brenda, we agreed that I would take care of you."

"New rules Jason, our first priority is this baby. You can't put her in danger by keeping me around. If I'm not strong enough to leave her, you've got to force me. Promise me"

I nod, hating her for being right, I'll figure out a way to make this alright, to be with both of them when that time comes. "No more talk of sickness or death. We're in living in the present from this moment on."

"How do we do that?"

"Move past 3 weeks ago?"

She blushes

"It happened and we can't really pretend it didn't anymore. You and me go back to being partners in this, friends. We aren't going to get through it unless we lean on each other."

"Okay" she says with a nod of her head, "That it?"

"One more thing" I squat down once more and raise her shirt up and kiss her stomach and then introduce myself to our child, "Hi there little guy, ignore everything your mom said in the past few minutes. It's really not as scary out here as she made it out to be." I stood up again and Brenda hugged me and once more started to cry.


	30. Sounds Almost Good

Jason

She's pregnant.

There's a little me and her growing 3 feet away from me.

We're going to be parents together…Then I'm going to be a single parent…

That's the one that keeps getting me. The one I keep hiding from her.

It petrifies me.

It's not scary like it was with Michael, I know what to do, I know all of things that go into raising a child. I just don't want to do it alone. I don't want to take our child to visit his mother's grave every Mother's Day. I want there to be a God like everyone always says there is. I want him to take me instead of her. Right here, right now, my life for hers.

I think back to that tacky wedding chapel, I think about how angry I was with her for forcing my hand. Getting married to protect two other marriages. I think about the fact that I married a woman that two other men loved more than their spouses. I understand why they love her now. Everything about her just pulls you in deeper.

She dances around the kitchen when we cook, sometimes even when there's no music. She throws popcorn at me when I look too into a movie. She doesn't sing in the shower, but she'll dance just for a moment or two I'll see a rapid movement of her body that corresponds to the music, she sings though when she takes a bath.

She's reflective now in a way she had never been before. She stops and watches things. A couple in a fight, a couple touching gently and not even realizing it. The fresh snow on a tree, all perfect and still after the end of the storm. I think part of her is wanting to live every moment to its fullest trying to appreciate the things we normally walk by, but I think another part of her is looking for the last time. _Will this be her last winter she wonders? _

I know now she'll start looking at things and wondering if she'll ever do that with our child. Will he big enough before she's gone for her to push him in a swing? Or what will our daughter wear as I walk her to the school for the first time? I know that it's not just the firsts that matter to Brenda, she wants to be there for it all. The mornings that just don't work out and everything's rushed and frantic. Talking to the principal. Tears over an ended friendship or a broken relationship. Not our child's wedding, but all the months of planning that go into it.

I hate thinking like Brenda….I'm the one that keeps telling her to think in the present since no one's guaranteed a future anyway, yet I keep dwelling.

"What's wrong?"

I turn to her "Hmm? Nothing?"

"You sure? You have a really serious look on your face."

"It's nothing."

"You're lying, but I'm not gonna push. Anyway I'm late. Robin and I are having lunch."

"You gonna tell her about the baby?"

"Any reason why I shouldn't?" she asks

"No" I shake my head. There's a small part of me that worries that something will go wrong and this baby will be taken from her, but I've got to believe that the world couldn't be so cruel. They couldn't be taking her life and that of our child's, her last chance for joy. "I think we should keep it from the Quartermaines for awhile though or we'll never get any peace."

"What about Lila?"

I smile thinking how happy this news will make my grandmother, actually it will make everyone in that family ecstatic, "We have tea with her next week don't we?"

She nods.

"We'll tell her then."

"Sounds good."

Yea it does, almost all of this sounds good except for the fact that we're going to lose


	31. Mostly Successful Endeavors

"Hey Bren" I say shaking her as she's crying out softly in her sleep.

It takes a few shakes, but then her eyes start to open and the crying stops as she looks at me. I'm still her safety net after everything that's happened. "Jase" she cries my name softly and tears start to fill her eyes.

"Hey, hey it's okay, it was just a dream."

She shakes her head, "I don't wanna die…I don't wanna die Jason."

"It's okay" I whisper and move into her bed, the bed I'd left three and a half weeks ago. I take her into my arms and she buries her face in my chest, her entire body wracked with tears.

I hold her like that until her tears stop and she falls back asleep. I kiss the top of her head, "It's gonna be alright." I know I'm saying the words to myself, but I need to say them. Remind myself that it is going to be alright, for at least a awhile. Holding her close I slide myself into a more comfortable position and follow her into sleep.

* * *

"Morning," she wakes me up with that tiny little murmur and pressing her hand on my chest to rise, she pushes back a tumble of curls that fall forward again without pause.

"Morning" I say rubbing my eyes, remembering how I got into her bed again.

"I had a nightmare?"

I nod, _how couldn't she remember that? _"When they'd come back?"

She looks at me sheepishly, "The first night without you."

I sigh, _if I hadn't been up late doing paperwork_… "Bren, remember that whole partners in this speech?"

She laughs standing, nice to know even though things had been awkward between they hadn't been awkward enough for her to stop using my underwear as her pajamas. "I'm 27 Jason, I should be old enough to handle sleeping on my own."

"Yet you aren't, so give it up"

She laughs…I thank god this baby has made her laughter return. I wouldn't have been able to survive knowing I took that away from her. "Do we have anything for breakfast besides from cereal?" she calls over her shoulder walking into the bathroom.

"I thought you said you could eat Trix everyday for the rest of your life."

"Well apparently I thought I was going to die a hell of a lot sooner than I am."

I think about our cupboard for awhile, it's been pretty lacking for the past few weeks, "I think you bought pancake mix. Do you have any idea how to make pancakes?"

"Jason" she says walking back out, "It says just add water, how hard can it be?"

* * *

Decently hard it turns out, this is apparently why we both have eaten frozen waffles and more recently the pancakes they've come out with for our entire adult lives. We managed to get the measuring and mixing down, we've proven pretty successful with that in all of our past endeavors too. It's just the not burning or leaving raw part we had some issues with. Of course the first ones came out perfectly, then we burned the next group and we ended with the slightly raw ones which we popped in the microwave to finish cooking.

"We're never telling Sonny about this" she says hitting 30 seconds on the microwave.

"All those times you told me not to listen to Sonny about your skills in the kitchen.

Brenda makes an offended face and waves one of the burnt ones in the air, "I did not do this alone."

"You were supposed to tell me when to flip it."

"It went from white to black in a matter of three seconds, that was so not my fault, you were in front of it." the microwave beeps and Brenda takes out the plate.

"And you were talking."

"We're fighting again." she says shaking her head sitting down in the breakfast nook.

"More like bickering." I smile, I know what she means, we're back to normal or at least closer to it.

We divvy up the food, burnt one tossed to the side, we spilt an equal share of normal cooked and microwave cooked ones. She refuses to even think about taking all the good ones for herself and I can't help but make a mental comparison to Carly and think of how she would have more than happily accepted all the good ones and any fight she would have made otherwise would have all been for show.

She takes a bite and makes a face, "Maybe we should take some cooking classes before the baby comes."

"They can't be that bad"

"Try the microwaved ones" she says flipping hers to the side to reach a normal one.

The mix of mush and hardness is difficult to describe, but it kinda of makes me think this must be what Michael's paste tastes like, I grab the syrup and drown my pancakes in it, "Maybe you should check into those classes today" I say forcing myself to take another bite.

She laughs as she imitates my actions.

* * *

**Hey for all of you still reading, thanks!**


	32. Observant

**Guys, again I want to thank you for the reviews, they are amazing…I hope you continue liking the story, it's so hard to get back into that same groove when the story was started like two years ago and one of the characters isn't on the show anymore. Oh and I just want to remind you Michael hasn't been aged as greatly as he has been on the show, he's either the proper age based on his DOB or a year older, I can't remember off hand what year he was born in and this story is 2 years back in time. Oh and Brenda living or dying…Yea just gonna have to wait, I'm sorry, I hate writers that do that too. Thanks for reading!**

* * *

**Observant **

_Chapter 32_

* * *

There's a knock on my office door, I bite back my groan knowing it'll be Sonny. He had taken Carly and Michael down to the island for over a week, they had been flying back today, they'd left the same day I found out Brenda was pregnant. We had a few brief business conversations over the phone that had followed the exact same suit as all of our conversations had for the three weeks earlier since I blew up right here in this office. "Come in" I call out reluctantly. After all, it's not as if I can hide, he knows I'm here, _I can't forgive him though_, she's my wife, not his. He's got to accept that.

"Hey" he walks in and shuts the door behind him. He must have actually spent some time with Michael on the beach instead of doing work because he's tanner than he's been in years.

"How was your trip?"

"Good" he nodded, "Michael's got a bucket full of seashell for you guys to decorate the house with."

I raise an eyebrow up and look at him. _What exactly are we supposed to do with a bucket of shells?_

"I don't know." he says shaking his head answering my silent question.

"He had a good time?" I personally don't understand why they keep taking Michael down to the island during the school year, I get that he's only in kindergarten, but he's supposed to be socializing, bonding with his classmates. He already has enough of a hard time being the son of the town's mob boss. It hits me that my child may have the same rough future as Michael…I hadn't thought of that before, then again, it's been just over a week.

"Yea great time. He and Leticia spent every second down at the beach."

"What about Carly?"

Sonny laughs, "Half at the beach, half at the spa. She tried talking Michael into being wrapped in seaweed…" He laughs again at the memory.

There's another knock at the door and we both frown, people don't normally interrupt us when we're together and the door is shut, unless something's happened that is… "Come in"

"Hey" her smile brightens the whole room instantly. She's been glowing since she found out she was pregnant. I doubt it's truly physical from our child, since our future had only taken hold within her a couple weeks ago, the knowledge has brought her more joy than I could have ever imagined, she surpasses even me. Her smile is directly focused ahead at me, "I'm starving come get lunch with me." She notices Sonny as she starts to walk in, "Oh hey, how was your trip?"

"It was good, I was just telling Jason about it."

"Michael brought you home a bucket full of seashells." I throw in, this is going to be another interesting decorating dilemma like the ashtray.

She laughs, "I told him one." She shakes her head, "Looks like we're having a seaside guest room. Oooh no the bathroom, Michael's bathroom can be all tropical."

"How are you so hungry, it's 11:30, we ate less than 3 hours ago." We took the safe route again of toaster ready waffles, though our attempt at real waffles a few days ago turned out much better than our pancake escapade.

"When you see the amount of bags in the car, you'll understand. So come eat with me or Mike won't get any work done for the next hour." She smiles, every time Brenda goes into Kelly's the other customers get almost no service because Mike still sees Brenda as his daughter, which makes sense since he's spent more time with her than any of his biological children.

I shake my head, but it's just for show. Although we have more than enough money for her to shop for everyday for the rest of her life, I know once the house is completed her shopping sprees will come to an end.

"Oooh Sonny, while you're here do you think it would be alright if Michael had dinner with us next Thursday?"

Sonny looks as confused as I am, that was an odd request, especially considering it's so in advance. "I don't see why not."

"What's next Thursday?" I ask, knowing there's something not right with this.

"Edward and Lila are coming over for dinner and it's so hard for her to get out of the house anyway, I thought I'd make it a little more special."

Sonny chuckles, "Edward's going to Jason's house for dinner."

She turns to him, "It's my house too, Edward is family."

Sonny looks taken aback, especially since he realized what she just said is true. Edward had always been like family to her before, but now he truly was. "Just let me run this by Carly."

"Remind her she likes 2 of the 4 guests and I really think it would be good for Michael and Lila to spend some time together, while they still have the chance." My grandmother's health has been failing for a few years and while Carly had promised that Michael wouldn't be kept away from her when she and AJ separated, I know he's only seen her a couple of times.

Sonny nods in agreement.

"So back to lunch" she turns back to me smiling again, "I'm still starving."

"Let me just put on my coat." I say standing, "You didn't need me for anything did you Sonny?"

"No" he shakes his head, "Just wanted to let you know I was back."

I nod as I slip on my coat, "Tell Michael I'll come by tomorrow after school."

"I'm sure he'll enjoy that."

* * *

"Something happen between you and Sonny?" Brenda asks as we walk out of the warehouse.

I let out a sigh, _she's too damn observant, _then again there was a nice chill in the air between him and I, "It's nothing."

"Was it about work?"

"It's nothing Brenda."

"Did you tell him about the baby?"

"Is that why Edward and Lila are coming over?" I ask as we approach her car.

She gives me a look as she walks on to the driver's side, I smile at her independence, "Do not change the subject."

I laugh, "No I didn't. How about you answer my question now." I say sliding into the seat at the same time as her.

She smiles, "Yes it is."

"I thought we were going to wait."

She laughs a bit and she brightens up even more, "Jason, I'm about to start telling strangers on the street and if Edward hears it from anyone besides me, he's gonna blow a gasket and I'm never going to hear the end of it."

"You're aware this means Carly will be on our doorstep Friday morning right?"

She smiles at me as she finally starts the car, "I can take her, don't worry."


	33. Not Cool

Haha, short chapter I can do. I finished this almost immediately after the last one, just thought it needed more. I'm sorry guys, I've kinda blanked on the route this story was supposed to take. I swear to god I open it up several times a week and stare at it and try to remember/try to plot out again how I want it to go. I'll do my best to refocus. Hmm now that I'm writing this little apology ideas are running through me. I'm gonna go write these down before I forget again. Thanks for reading guys (and I'm sorry you had to email and review to get a new chapter out of me).

**Chapter 33**

"You've got to be kidding me." Carly says as I open the door.

"Good morning to you too Carly. I'm guessing you talked to Michael." I say as she walks in.

"Yea and the fact that I had to find this out from my son this morning as I was getting him ready for school…Not cool Jase."

"You and Sonny were out when I dropped Michael off."

"You couldn't have waited around? Come and found us? Told us before you told Michael?" Her voice raises several decibels on that last question.

"It was late Carly." I say with little patience in my voice.

"Oh," Brenda says with a slight frown walking into the living room, "it _was _your voice I heard."

"I can't believe you went and got yourself knocked up so he would stay with you." Carly launches on the attack that I had been expecting and preparing for all week.

"Oh oh" Brenda says coming alive, "I don't think so. You're a fine one to talk. Jason and I are married. **Married** Carly. How many times have you been married and then gotten pregnant. Then again how many times have you gotten pregnant and known who the father was."

"Guys" I say calmly.

"No Jason" they both say at the same time and then glare at each other.

"Do not tell my husband what to do." Brenda says.

"Your _husband _is my best friend" Carly says knocking her head to the side, their eyes both locked.

"I have a name and I'm in the room." Their eyes both turn on me. "Why are you so mad Carly?"

"How long have you known?"

"A couple of weeks." I honestly answer her; I'm not going to lie to please her.

"A couple of weeks, just how many weeks Jason."

"A couple generally means two Carly." _Score one for Brenda_, I hide my smile at her words.

Carly glares at her again and then turns back to me, "I'm your best friend."

"We wanted to tell Lila before we told anyone else."

"You didn't tell anyone until last night?"

_Damn_, Robin knows, lying suddenly seems like a good option, "Brenda told Robin when she found out."

"So she can tell her best friend but you can't tell yours?"

_If I could have, I would have let everyone find out when we brought the baby home. _"Brenda, can I have a few moments alone with Carly?"

Carly smirks and if I had any less self-control I would have groaned at that and the glare Brenda shot her as the brown eyes connected.

"I'm happy Carly." Is all I say once Brenda is out of the room.

"How can you be happy with her?" Carly's arm flings out to point at the door Brenda just exited.

There's the million dollar question, she's alive more so than anyone I've ever met, she actually seems to live her life as a good person and not just when it suits her, she puts others needs and wants in front of her own time and time again, she loves and she cares in a such a way…These aren't the answers Carly's looking for, Carly knows that Brenda is beautiful, she knows men drop before her feet, she wants to know why…Why is the true million dollar question, how many others have I known before who have all of those exact same qualities? Robin, Liz…Brenda's different though. "I don't know Carly, it just happened."

"When?" She shakes her head, "You couldn't stand her Jase."

_When?_ Waking up with her in my arms? Holding her crying on the street? Those miniscule outfits worn around the apartment certainly hadn't helped…Who knows maybe it went back to the book of nursery rhymes, carting her stubborn ass around after the plane crash, seeing how broken she could be after Sonny left her. I shake my head again, I'd never be able to pin point when I started falling in love with her, "I don't know Carly."

"How can you not know?" There are tears in her eyes as she pleads.

"Just one morning I looked at her and…I just knew Carly."

"You love her more than me" her voice is low and soft as she states this.

"She's my wife Carly."

I watch as she battles herself, eventually the more mature part of Carly wins out, "I should be going; I'm meeting with the alcohol distributor this morning. Congratulations Jason, I know you'll be a wonderful father." She forces out with a nod and starts heading for the door.


	34. The Coward's Way

Okay so I hate GH. Like passionately, hell I even hated Jason up until he warned Carly to not make him choose. He's redeemed for the moment so I'm writing. I hope you enjoy.

Summing up of chapters 1-33: Brenda and Jason are married, there have been no changes in the diagnosis of her disease, Lorenzo is still alive, everyone believes Jason and Brenda are in love. Jason is in love with Brenda, despite his best attempts not to be. Jason is more in touch with Jason Q due to his old journals. Robin is back in town, she and Jason have made peace. Brenda and Jason bought a house together, slept together after they got drunk celebrating Kristina's birth (Ned is still the assumed father) and Jason was drinking away his sorrows because he saw Brenda and Sonny share a kiss, in his house no less. J&B decide to forget what's happened, until Brenda finds herself pregnant. In the last chapter Carly and Brenda went head to head over Jason after Michael told Carly about the baby. I think that covers everything major.

* * *

Chapter 34

The Coward's Way

* * *

Brenda-

I took the coward's way out with Sonny. I let Michael tell him about the baby. I hadn't wanted to see the look in his eyes. _The look of betrayal._ I knew it would be there. It's always there, hidden behind his false indifference. He's wondering how I could love someone besides him, his best friend at that…

He's accepted it though. He can't live up to his words though, he can't be happy even though I am, not fully at least. I thought he had after we kissed in the kitchen, but there's something in his eyes, in his smile…

He's the one I pictured having a family with.

There may have been moments when I tried with Jax, pictured my storybook future. Sonny was the one I always came back to, my fantasies, my dreams. Being with Luis and lost in my thoughts of what a future could hold/should have held/would have been if I hadn't been so young, so rash…

I pictured coming back so many times, I was never going to, but I pictured coming back. Seeing him, running into his arms, getting married, having babies…

I did see him first. I opened the doors of the church and he was there, but his arms weren't the first ones I was in. Jason's were. Jason's ring…Hmm well he at least paid for the ring…No matter his is the ring I wear. His were the arms I was in as we created life. Jason's child rests beneath my heart not Sonny's. I wouldn't change that.

I guess they're right when they talk about maternal instincts, to protect your child, to love your child regardless…I love this baby more than I love any dream of having a child with Sonny. She is real, tangible and I hope I get to be part of her life for at least just a little bit. Long enough to see what color her eyes end up, her hair…

"Brenda," Skye opens the door, her distain so evident in her voice I know Jax isn't in the living room.

I plaster on the big ol' fake smile that has gotten plenty of use lately, "Jax around?"

"No Brenda, he went out when you called a half hour ago and told him you were coming over," she says sarcastically.

"Brenda," Jax's voice happily calls out and a guilty look crosses Skye's face.

I understand Skye's reaction towards me, hell I lived through it with Miranda, but she loves him a lot more than I ever did, they deserve to be happy together. I just wish she would stop seeing me as the enemy. All I've done since I've been back is try not to destroy the new lives everyone has started to live. "Hey Jax," I smile past Skye to where Jax has just wheeled into the room, "why are you-"

"Someone over did his workout today," Skye says with a sigh over her husband's ever relentless need to push his physical therapist into pushing him. Him ending back up in the chair for a few hours afterwards was not uncommon and pretty damn stupid on his part.

"Jesus Jax, again?"

Skye turns back, "Maybe he'll listen to you," she turns back to look at him, "I'm going out; I'll pick up something for dinner."

"You don't-" I'm about to tell her she doesn't need to leave on account of me.

She waves her hand, "I already had plans, just don't tire him out."

_Hmm wonder what exactly she thinks I'm going to do with her husband? _

I move over to the couch, we exchange the normal pleasantries, catch each other up on what's gone on in our lives in the three days since we've seen each other. Talk about Kristina for awhile. _I'm a wuss, complete and utter chicken shit._

"So why don't you just tell me Bren," he says after I make some sad excuse about being thirsty and start to move away from the sofa.

I pause and take a deep breath, why couldn't telling Jax be like telling Edward and Lila? Or hell even Robin, here I'd gone and married her ex and was pregnant with his child and she'd launched herself into my arms. "I'm pregnant," I say not turning. I don't want to see the look of shock in those vivid blue eyes.

"Is it Jason's?"

I turn in shock, my slightly hanging open, _what kind of a question is that? _

"I'll take that as a yes," he looks guilty for only a second, "on come on Brenda half of this town thinks you married him to be Sonny's mistress."

"So that's why I moved to the opposite side of town because living across the hall from my lover was inconvenient."

"Look Brenda-"

"No," I raise a hand, "don't bother trying to explain. I'm going."

"Bren," I hear him call out as my hand is already on the doorknob.

I don't bother stopping though; I don't know why that just hurt. He's right, I know half the town thinks it…I'd been with how many other guys and I always ended up back with him. For him though to think I'd...

_To think I was doing what I'd done in the past._ I did everything in my power to break up Sonny and Lily; I was willing to be his mistress. I cheated on Jax with Sonny; regardless of the fact that I thought we were going to die, I'd signed up for till death do us part even if it hadn't been legal.

Funny my actions since coming back were led by the same reason I'd done those other things. Wanting what was best for Sonny. Once upon a time, I was the best thing for him. I stopped being that though.

I could never do that to Jason either or Michael or now my baby, my sweet wonderful baby. It's not there anymore, that overwhelming urge to be with him despite everything. There are too many other things that are more important. My priorities shifted when I wasn't looking, even if it weren't for the baby I wouldn't cheat on Jason.

_Odd that it's now cheating._ Faithfulness wasn't something that mattered when we married; then again I never thought I could be friends with him…_Friends with him again._ It's again because I see him, just like I know Jason sees him, Jason Q. The joking, the laughter, the sensitivity…I don't know if I just didn't see them before in Jason or if they took time to emerge, after all, he did have some growing up to do waking up at 22 with a blank slate where memories and experience were supposed to be.

I just know I could never betray him like I did Jax.

Maybe it's because I'm happier with him than I ever was with Jax. Maybe it's easier because I have no expectations. Not to mention there's a lot less to worry about when you don't have to worry about the future. I don't have to worry about if this will end because I know it will. I'm not in the future.


	35. Gifts

**Thanks for reading guys!**

* * *

**Chapter Thirty Five**

_Gifts_

* * *

_Jason (living room)-_

News travels fast.

Seems like everywhere I go someone's congratulating me on the baby. They're still congratulating us based on word of mouth since Brenda certainly doesn't look pregnant. She proves it time and time again walking around the house in midriff baring shirts, which has definitely made keeping this relationship platonic once more, slightly difficult. Especially falling asleep and waking up with her pressed into mine; my body knows hers, every inch…

"Are you coming with me to my doctor's appointment tomorrow?"

"Huh?" Her words snap me out of my daze, where I'd been staring at the documents in front of me looking like I was working as we sat on the couch together, Brenda rereading the What to Expect When You're Expecting book. She's already gone through a stack of about a dozen, she now knows more about fetal development than I do. Em dropped off a few text books though, figuring I'd prefer them to Brenda's hoard, _which she was correct about._

In the bag there was also one of those expectant father's books. I've flipped through that already…Agree with everything she says, unless it's she looks fat and do everything she says. Brenda would kill me if I yes-ed her to do death and well the do everything she says, I think that's how we got here. Her wanting to dance…

_"I never got my dance at Luke's" _

_"I never promised you a dance at Luke's" _

_"I'm your wife Jason, for better or worse that means you put up with dancing. Better for me, worse for you." _

"Uh yea, 10:30 right?" I ask trying not to remember how our child came into creation.

"You don't-"

I turn, "I want to come, you know that. You want to meet at the hospital?"

She nods, "Sounds good, lunch after?"

"Brenda, I don't like you eating at Kelly's so much"

"Who said anything about Kelly's?" She asks trying to look innocent.

I just look at her.

"I swear to god it's the baby not me," she laughs.

I join in her laughter; Brenda skipped the whole morning sickness routine and went straight for the hunger, hunger and cravings. Nothing odd, just a constant desire for burgers, I have never seen someone so little consume so much on such a regular basis. "Bren, you've got to eat better."

"Mike makes me have a glass of milk with every meal," she tries to condone her habits.

I shake my head and realize I'm going to have to be like Sonny with Carly and watch her. Then again I think Jax already did that with Brenda, somehow I don't recall it going over well. "Bren," I simply shake my head, "vegetables instead of fries."

"You mean like broccoli poppers?"

I sigh, no broccoli with cheddar and bacon fried in dough were definitely not what I'd meant, "I mean like just plain broccoli."

Her face falls, albeit it falls trying to make her case, I see the laughter peaking out, she gets a kick out of these things. "Broccoli with cheese?" She offers with a smile.

I can't help, but laugh, "You're gonna weigh two hundred pounds by the time this baby gets here."

She smiles and I can see the few pounds she's already put on in her cheeks. She's still so far away from that girl in the picture up on our mantle, but I kind of like that step closer a few extra pounds has brought her. Sometimes it feels as if we're almost those people. Carefree, young, friends without having to worry about anything else,_ the future is ours_.

"Good thing I don't have anything to look good for, not to mention padded restraints are adjustable."

It's like someone sucker punched me in the gut as she makes the point she's made several times over the past year.** I hate that joke**. I hate any reference to what's going to happen in the future. There are days when I can't even bear to think about the baby being born because I'll know we'll be that much closer to losing her mother.

"Speaking of food, registration for that cooking class is the day after tomorrow, still wanna do it?"

"Did I eat dinner alone tonight?" Our chicken marsala was a dry alcoholic mess. Brenda within a few bites had actually asked if she should even be eating it, it was a joke though since we both knew she knew everything about the do's and don'ts, she could have drank the entire amount of sauce and not effected the baby.

"So that's a yes."

I nod, "So you want to open that package we got from AJ and Courtney?"

"Dumb question," she says already standing.

I'd put off opening the package addressed to me, despite Brenda's pleading eyes when I came in from work and she hadn't asked again after dinner, shockingly enough not pushing. Might as well open it though after all what else could happen that hadn't already happened in the past few months.

Brenda's already in the kitchen standing next to the package with a steak knife waiting for me to cut through the tape. Why it's in the kitchen exactly I don't know, things just tend to gravitate there.

I cut through the first box only to be confronted with another, which just annoys me, "It was already in a box."

Brenda laughs and tosses through the peanuts to further reveal the rest of the baby themed package complete with yellow bow and ribbon and takes it out of the box. "This part's probably Courtney," Brenda smiles as she flicks the yellow ribbon and looks at the package longing, wistfully.

"You sure you want to open it?" I ask.

"Huh?" her attention turns away from the package.

I focus my eyes down the item in question.

"Oh yea," she nods, "it's just you know this is the baby's first gift." Tears well up in her eyes and a hand drops down to her stomach.

Funny I though I'd done that with the animal mobile I'd purchased almost the day after Brenda told me.

"I mean we've bought the baby things, but no one else and its gift wrapped. It's their first real present." She looks over at me looking at her and laughs, "It's a girl thing. I'm really not insane yet, I swear."

"That's a matter of opinion. So you gonna open it or what?"

She snaps out of her sappy moment, "You should," she pushes the other box out of the way and slides the gift over to me, "your brother."

_My brother,_ still not entirely okay with that, "It's a gift for the baby, you're carrying the baby."

I see something twinkle behind her eyes as she debates my logic, "I'm gonna open enough gifts at the baby shower. He's your brother."

She's stuck on the brother thing today. I just shrug my shoulders and slip my finger into the ribbon to slide I off.

"Aah," she yells, hitting me.

"What? You told me to open it."

"After I get the camera Jason," she says with a shake of her head so offended and shocked that I didn't know that, "you only get one first gift."

"You ready?" I ask five minutes later after Brenda has torn through the house trying to remember where she left the digital camera.

"Ummm…" she says with a final look over the buttons, dial and screen confidant that she has everything in its proper place, "yea open away."

I freeze two clicks of the camera in, the ribbon off, the paper partially torn with only a corner exposed.

"What is it?" she asks with a pout.

I shake my head, "Uh it's a train set," I raise it up so she can see exposed corner too. _Another click._

She smiles, "The Q's always have the train set up at Christmas, you and…well…"

I just nod, don't make her bother trying to figure out if she should be saying you or he, "I know."

"That's a sweet gift," she says with a smile.

"Yea," I nod wondering why exactly I'm suddenly having so much trouble swallowing.

-o-o-o-

Later that night (Jason's office):

I finally found it, the passage I'd ready months ago that caused the lump in my throat today.

_There's something about setting up the train that makes Christmas real, makes me feel like just for an hour I'm part of a normal family. AJ had been on his way out of the house when I caught him today, he stopped and smiled at the thought of the train, skipped out on his plans. _

_I can't even remember how many Christmases we actually spent at this house as kids, no more than a handful. But there's something about that train…It just seems to block everything else out. All of the fighting, the pain, the hurt, the manipulations, the lies…We're just a normal family when it's just our heads underneath the tree. _

I slam the book shut, just spent twenty minutes looking for that passage and now I can't finish reading it. It goes for love of his brother and wishing to be a normal family. Wondering if one day he'd ever have a 'normal family,' wondering if their kids would one day be setting up that train set. He's me. I'm him. His future, my present. He'd be happy hearing the basics.

His brother, sober and happily married living far away from their poisonous family.

Him happily married to Brenda, a mostly stable Brenda, expecting a baby.

He wished for miracles, wished for a normal family. No matter how hard he tried though, how hard anyone tried they couldn't do it.

They were all getting second chances to try it again on their own. Just a matter of not screwing it up, not doing to their kids what their parents had done to them.

-o-o-o-

Brenda's already asleep as I make my way into our room and pause to see her bathed in the moonlight filtering in through the gauzy drapes. She likes waking up to the sunlight here and I'm not one to complain, it's nice to be able to clearly see her as she sleeps.

She's curled up clutching the comforter up to her, a bare arm exposed, her shoulder covered by one of my shirts she's confiscated as her own. I've learned in the months I've lived with Brenda she can sleep through anything. She doesn't move as I cross the room and enter the bathroom, she doesn't stir as I slip into bed with her, but I know at some point and time she'll curl into me as we sleep.

I simply close my eyes and wait, knowing soon the family he'd/I'd dreamed of would be in our arms soon.


	36. Observations

The obvious winner of the vote begun by **chillin49**, who got me thinking about this story a few weeks ago, and had her goal supported by **dymondgurl19 **and **leigh**. She totally got the story on the possible update list, I am normally soooo anti this fic.

**Me rambling: **Woah. I'll have review comments for Slippery Slope when I post that. Seriously though, WOAH and yes WOAH reviews keep the inspiration up and make me write (seriously though I am totally suspicious of the amount of reviews, I'm used to 3, 5 make me freakishly giddy….9 is seriously rare nowadays). Point is I'm currently freakishly in love with my readers and have faith that Brazen will finally start to happen in the upcoming weeks.

**Actual Story AN: **Trying something new. I can't stand the past 35 chapters, I do not like how they were written (though that is actually quite common for me). So just kind of starting over (you guys can feel free to reread any of the past chapters, seriously it's like nails on a chalkboard to me. :-P

**STOP AND READ:**

**Things to remember…**

Michael is like 5, there is no Morgan. Carly and Sonny are still married.

Kristina is still Ned's daughter, she was full term (or at least no in labor in the park and Luis ignoring Alexis).

Luis is still alive, floating around waiting to make his return.

Brenda is still ill.

AJ is not a loon, he has taken his bride and gotten the hell out of dodge.

Robin has returned home.

This story is like 6 months after they were married.

Brenda and Jason are married and expecting a baby (from one drunken night), he loves her and she's clueless about it.

* * *

**Chapter Thirty Six**

_Observations_

* * *

Jason Morgan was like a lot of men still within the first year of marriage. Completely in awe, completely in love. Sadly though that was where the commonalities ended, at least all the ones that mattered.

He had the perfect house; he stood now in the bedroom she had created for them. A pale green, picked from a sea of swatches she had spent hours shoving under his nose and which he had to hear regrets about for the following two days. Not a touch of floral unless they could keep the two large potted plants alive until summer. She lay asleep behind him on the mattress they had picked out together, on a large dark wood bed frame, somewhere in between their own personal tastes, simplistic, yet more classic than modern. He looked out at the large yard and wondered if they would put in the Jacuzzi they had planned. It would be pointless for the next several months, at least for its original goal of seeing Brenda scantily clad.

The lack of that Jacuzzi and the swing set that was the focal point of their barren backyard, reminded him of the future, of their child. Next summer he would have to replace one of the child swings for an infant's or tear the whole thing down and start again, Brenda had mentioned something about turrets and swing sets months ago, maybe at least one with a lower slide.

He had to believe she'd still be there next summer. She couldn't have their child then leave them. So maybe it wasn't next summer he was worried about. Maybe it was that, she'd never see their child make the transition from a baby swing to a toddler's. Never see him or her take the slide on their own. Not be there to see and experience it all, not be by his side.

So that was where the commonalities ended between him and most first time husband's…He feared the future. He didn't look forward to it, he couldn't. Every day, meant a day closer to losing her.

Last summer, he had been a man on his own, maybe even falling for his brother's wife.

He would enter into this summer in a few months, a married man. Married to a woman, he had believed dead, believed the most they could ever do was coexist. In love with a woman who was in love with his best friend. He could never tell her he loved her, simply for the fact that he could never hurt her like that. He was her protector.

Moments like this though, waking up with her in his arms, their baby inside of her, all he could was think of how he wanted it to last forever. He was more than happy with what he had in the moment, but knowing it would end…Even fifty years would be too soon.

He could hear her stirring behind him, her hand probably seeking out him, but he couldn't turn back, he couldn't see her, he couldn't, crawling into bed and begging her to never leave him wasn't an option. He turned to the bathroom without allowing himself a moment to second guess the decision.

-o-o-o-

The frown on her face was what brought her to consciousness, the realization that something was wrong…off. Her eyes fluttered open as her hand patted the sheets, ensuring he was gone. She was still frowning as she pushed herself up into a seated position, but then she smiled as her hand dropped down to her stomach. Never had she wanted to meet someone as badly as she wanted to meet their baby. Never had her dreams and prayers for someone's future overtaken all of her thoughts, made everything else look so damn trivial. Anything and everything that she had gone through in life and would still go through would be worth it for her child.

She knew they would be happy with Jason; that he'd be an amazing father and she'd never tell him, she occasionally had visions of a tow-headed boy explaining a peculiarity of human nature to his father. More often than not though, she saw a little girl with her hair and his eyes always keeping him on his toes. Rambunctious, inquisitive, and he'd always be right by her side, searching for the answers with her.

She was still smiling as she stood, in a pair of his blue striped boxers and black tee shirt. She walked to the large bay window, with drapes she refused to allow Jason to close as they were going to sleep so she could see the night sky, he'd close them occasionally if he got up before her, but she liked waking up to the sun, something she would have never expected. Dying had a quick way of changing one's beliefs. Simple things were more amazing and beautiful than everything she'd ever thought she needed to be happy.

A hand once more dropped to her stomach as she looked out the window. _More often than not, she saw herself with them. _

Leaning against a beam as Jason pushed the swing.

Being the one to let go at the top of the slide as Jason's hand were awaiting her on the other end.

She saw one child change to two.

She imagined them as the family she had always wanted.

Chasing kids around the backyard. Scooping them into their arms and tickling them. A dog jumping at their legs trying to get in on the action.

They could have been a happy family. They'd seen first hand all of the things they shouldn't do. Kids needed only two things. Love and acceptance.

They could have done that.

They could have fit a dozen happy children into their lives. Supported them. Nurtured them.

But instead, just one.

Her stomach clenched as her hand curled into it.

Just one.

Just him.

She'd be a person in pictures. Someone in stories her Aunt Robin would tell.

Jason would be there for everything, while she would just be a story. Pigtails and braids would be his job, taught by Robin, Emily or Carly.

Her eyes closed as she sighed. They opened slowly as they once more took in the backyard.

She wasn't dead yet, she realized with a smirk and turned in search of the swing set brochures she'd picked up.

-o-o-o-

"Morning," Jason nodded walking into the kitchen.

"Pirate ship or turret?" she asked.

He stared.

"Swing set," she nodded and lifted two of the brochures, "pirate ship or a sand box?"

He frowned, but walked over, holding out his hand for the pictures. "Where do you see a pirate ship?"

"The turret has a wheel," she said popping up to stand next to him, "though you know I swear I picked up one that had an actual ship."

"Oh wait," she nodded, "I remember." She dashed off to her purse.

"This has a rock wall," he said as she dug through her bag.

"We're not getting that one, any bridge that's taller than me, our kid isn't playing on."

"It says you can customize it," he pointed out.

"Here it is," she said finally coming across the missing brochure.

He took it and frowned, "It's just a frame."

"Kids don't know that."

He shook his head, "I like these more, the rock wall is too high up on those."

"Figures the one thing I thought we could skip," she shook her head.

"I don't like this covered slide," he once more frowned, "something could happen and we couldn't see it."

"What's going to happen on a slide Jason?" she teased with a smile, she'd had the exact same thought, but this was Jason. Rational, calm Jason.

"You've seen Michael play, they could get twisted or bang their head."

She laughed at how perturbed he was looking at the mere thought of it, "Well you can tell that to the designer when he comes, like you said, custom."

"When's he coming?"

"Their next opening, anything you can't get out of coming up?"

"Make the appointment, I'll be here."

"That cooking class start tomorrow. Last chance to bail."

He looked down at the S'mores Poptart he had snagged off Brenda's plate and then back up at her.

"Yea that's what I thought. It's at 6, Tuesdays and Thursdays for a five weeks."

"Sounds good, we don't have to eat what we cook do we?" He remembered their last attempt at a meal.

_The meal they created at the end was theirs, but…_"Eat a late lunch, we can go out after."

They smiled in unison as they both took bites of their Poptarts.

-o-o-o-

Brenda forged ahead letting the fake smile fall from her face as she led Skye Jacks towards her kitchen, an unexpected visit from Skye was never a good thing, an unexpected visit from Skye after last week…

"You might as well just save us both the trouble and tell me what happened between you and my husband last week," Skye said before the kettle had even been filled for tea.

"If you're having issues with your husband maybe you should discuss them him, last time I checked I wasn't your shrink."

"No you're my husband's former fiancée, the fiancée he searched for what a full year?" Skye's arms crossed.

"Former being the operative word," Brenda nodded and turned off the tap.

"Is the baby his?" Skye steeled herself for the response, so she didn't even flinch when the teapot slammed onto the stainless steel cooktop.

"Seriously, I'm married. Does no one in this town think I can manage being faithful?" Brenda was annoyed now, mostly with herself because apparently her past would continue to haunt her, no matter how short her future was.

"Jax wants it to be his then," Skye's low words were in anguish as she went to rest against one of the stools at the breakfast bar. She couldn't win either way, no matter what she'd do Brenda would be the person in Jax's heart and she was the one keeping him from her during her final years.

The emotion drained from Brenda's face.

"It was wrong of me to stay. Jax wants you to be his wife," her voice broke on the final word.

Brenda's expression softened, "He loves you Skye; I know he does."

"I know," she nodded, "but he loves you more and eventually he's going to resent me for being the one who kept you away from him."

"We both chose Skye and I don't regret my decision to choose Jason."

"Because you're sick and you're being noble," she was so sick of people doing what was right, even though that had been all she wanted of Jax and Brenda.

Brenda's head shook almost negligibly before her soft words came out, "Because this is the life that I always wanted."

-o-o-o-

"Did something happen today?" Jason asked as he pulled the Cheetos away from Brenda.

"Aside from you taking away my craving?" she glared at him and then stared at the object of her desire. He might be faster than her, but she was pregnant, _he wouldn't fight with a pregnant woman, would he? _"A craving is a sign of a deficiency."

He flipped over the bag, "You're deficient in artificial flavors, colors and MSG? I don't remember that being on any of the pamphlets."

"Don't start Jason, I will eat all the damn veggies you shove at me and drink a damn gallon of milk, I seriously doubt me gaining a few extra pounds is gonna be that big of a deal to the kid."

"Tell me and I'll give them back."

She sighed and debated it for a second; they were the only ones in the house. "The person I was Jason…"

He continued to study her as she stared at the tv.

"Was I really that horrible?" she turned and asked him

"I have no idea what you're talking about," he admitted. _She had been infuriating, exasperating, hell she still was, but he understood why now._

"Jax asked if the baby was Sonny's. Skye asked if the baby was Jax's. It's pretty much the debate in town."

"Why do you care what they think?"

"Why don't you?"

"Because I know the truth."

She sighed. "I'm worried what she's going to think of me. I don't get the time to make up for everything that I've done. She isn't going to know me, she's just going to hear stories-"

He stopped her by putting an arm around her and pulling them in together. "That isn't going to happen."

"Carly-"

"I won't let her," he promised.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"What was the number?" Jason asked walking down the halls of the high school.

"I know where I'm going Jason."

"It's been awhile Brenda, how do you know that-"

"Home Ec classrooms Jason," she said pointing ahead where a couple was walking into a room.

She smugly walked ahead of him. She stopped and muttered, "Shit," as they hit the door.

The teacher turned around, an older woman, with white hair, looking as if she should have long been retired. "Why am I not surprised to see you two back in my class?"

Brenda was a brick wall in front of him.

"I should have separated you two into different classrooms instead of different groups."

Brenda remained frozen.

"What brings you two back to my class? Are you finally willing to focus instead of talk and throw flour at each other when you think I'm not looking?"

"Uh yes Ma'am," Brenda stuttered out.

"And why should I believe this time is different?" The teacher asked with folded arms.

"Well I'm pregnant and-" she realized what she said and lifted her hand to show her ring.

The teacher sighed, "You were so much more enjoyable when you took my class with that Wexler girl. All right, come in we can't have your child starve."

Brenda took a firm grasp of his hand as she walked into the room.

"You two," she said pointing at a couple, "move to the back kitchen. I need to keep an eye on these two." She looked at them threateningly, "You two are on your own; I will not have you distract any other students."

"Yes, Mrs. Saunders," Brenda said not letting go of Jason's hand and pulling him to sit down with her.

"I thought Jason Quartermaine was a good student?" he whispered over to her.

"It was pass/fail Jason," she hissed and ordered him to be silent.

* * *

Okay let's see thanks for reading, thanks for the multi year wait, sorry if it still sucked even after all that time. Now if anyone's reading this and they haven't voted on the next update and they were going to hit the review button anyone, can you actually vote. I need a tie breaker.

Discovering Who You Become

Slippery Slope

The Path to (Moments in Life)


	37. Future Discussions

Umm let me begin with, WOAH! 17 reviews in a matter of days, it took years for the last chapter to hit that. I LOVE that you guys are as hyped for Brenda's return as I am. Sure those magazine covers have her with Sonny, but we know TPTB will FINALLY come to their senses and give us Brazen. Haha or at least they'll give us the bickering that we love.

This is a VERY short chapter, sorry. I tried adding a Ned and Alexis scene at the end, and another cooking class, but seriously they do not mesh in my opinion.

* * *

**Chapter 37**

_Future Discussions _

* * *

_Cooking Class:_

"Calm down," he ordered.

"I can't calm down, she hates me," she said leaning into him as he leaned over a slab of pork. "Are you doing that right?"

"Brenda a knife is the one thing I can handle," he gave her a look.

She shushed him.

"Why does she hate you and why do you care?" he whispered.

"She hates me because pretty much 90% of women hate me. I didn't know what a girl friend was until Robin."

He decided to keep his mouth quiet as to why that was.

"I am not that person anymore," she tacked on explaining her reasoning for why she cared.

"Miss Barrett," Mrs. Saunders called out.

She snapped away from Jason.

"Aren't you supposed to be cutting the potatoes? Or will this be like high school all over again and Mr. Qua-"

"Morgan," Jason shot out.

Mrs. Saunders paused in annoyance, "Jason will complete your part?"

"I was just checking on him," she defended.

"I suggest you worry about your contribution to the meal, Mrs. Morgan," she added an emphasis to Brenda's new name and status change.

-o-o-o-

"We made a meal," Brenda smiled as she speared a piece of pork.

"We need someone in the kitchen with us, telling us when it's done," Jason added.

The couple at their table laughed. They had stayed after to enjoy their meal first and then clean up and the couple the teacher had forced to move joined their table.

"First baby?" the wife, Abby asked.

"Yup," Brenda smiled.

"Yea you care with the first," she smiled, referring to why they were taking the class. "The second you'll eat doughnuts and mac and cheese the whole way through and you'll be grateful you found the time to shove that into your mouth."

"Haven't we talked about scaring new parents?" the husband questioned.

Jason stifled a laugh.

Brenda laughed loudly, "That's okay we're only having one."

"Oh no that's what you think and then that first one looks lonely and then you're so exhausted after the second that oops, there's a third and date night's a cooking class, a not too subtle hint from your husband, might I add."

"Abby, we just met them," he husband reminded.

"I'm preparing them," she turned to her husband.

Jason kept eating; even Brenda shoved a forkful of spinach into her mouth.

"How long have you two been married?"

"Uh like half a year," Brenda shrugged.

Abby went straight faced, "You've been living together for?"

"Since we got married."

"You still like each other don't you?"

"We haven't killed each other yet," Brenda shrugged.

"He doesn't leave dirty laundry everywhere?"

Jason turned to Brenda.

"Oh you do, you're pretty. I bet you'd get away with it if you didn't marry a pretty boy. Doesn't it just drive you insane?" she asked Jason.

"Actually okay now, we moved into a bigger place, it's less noticeable."

"Oh really?" Abby's head tilted. "How big is your place?"

"Abby, now you're scaring them," her husband said putting a hand on her arm.

"No Mike," she turned, "now I'm scaring you." She turned back, "So square footage, what are we talking?"'

-o-o-o-

_Bedroom:_

"Are you going to have more children?"

Jason's eyes struggled to open after starting to fall asleep, "What?"

She turned on her side, "Are you going to have more children?"

"It's 12:30. Go to bed."

"When you answer my question."

"Why are you asking?"

"Will you just answer the question," she snipped.

"Brenda, I don't even have one, how are you asking about the next one."

"Ja-"

_More children without her. _He struggled to control his pounding heart. "I don't know probably not," the words rushed out of his mouth to stop her.

"Why not, you like kids?" She automatically attacked.

"Honestly Brenda, I'm assuming any child of yours is probably going to need a lot of attention."

She rolled onto her back. "I hated being alone. I always wanted a sister."

"You had a sister," he pointed out.

"Julia was older, I never saw her."

"The baby'll have Michael," he reminded her.

"He'll almost be 6 when the baby's born. They'll never even be in the same school together."

"Brenda what do you want me to say so I can go back to sleep?" He wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon, too busy thinking about Brenda being gone and people expecting him to move on with his life. Busy thinking about trying to follow her wishes and send her away and not follow after her.

"I don't know," she shook her head. "I'm not going to ask you to marry Robin, figured that out the last time."

"Thank god."

"I'm doing okay right? I've been okay for awhile. Maybe I'll stay okay for awhile."

He automatically knew what she was talking about, the disease, "You've been doing great," he reassured.

"So may-" She shook her head, "You know what. Never mind. Pointless to even talk about that."

"Brenda," he prompted after a moment of silence.

"Hmm?"

"If you want to have another baby after this one. I'd be okay with that."

"What about only being able to handle one?"

"I'd figure it out."

"Hmmm," she murmured. "Night Jason."

"Night Bren."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

_Brenda and Jason's House:_

Jason and Alexis shifted uncomfortably in the living room, left alone by Ned and Brenda, who were off changing Kristina. Jason couldn't help, but smile thinking of what she was in for.

"You look happy," Alexis commented.

"So do you," he replied back.

"Who would have thought, us with a family," she nodded.

He nodded back. He didn't mention that Alexis having a baby with the man her sister was in love with was highly suspicious, but he nodded back anyway. "Guess you can't run when you're in labor."

"I am never going to live that down am I?"

"Probably not," he confirmed.

"Hmmm," she tapped her hands on her legs.

"Do you want a drink?"

"Oh thank god yes," she said with relief.

-o-o-o-

"Oh god, I want one of those," Brenda said walking into the living room still gasping for air, looking longingly at the drinks in their hands. "How can something so foul come from something so cute?"

Jason and Alexis laughed.

"No," she shook her head, "I'm not kidding. We need a nanny or I need a gas mask."

"I still can't believe Lois never made you change a diaper," Ned was still chuckling over gagging, dry heaves that resulted in her running away from Kristina, leaving him to change her diaper.

"It never smelled like that," she shuddered for effect. "Please tell me they don't normally smell like that."

The rest of the room snorted at her.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

_Cooking Class:_

"Mrs. Morgan, stop looking at what your husband's doing and focus.

Brenda rolled her eyes and scooped in her next ingredient.

-o-o-o-

"Looks good," Jason said apprehensively eying their food, just as he had the last class.

"She wouldn't let us eat anything that would give us salmonella right?" Brenda questioned giving the chicken the stink eye.

"I used the meat thermometer," he reassured.

"Try it first," she ordered.

He gave her a look.

"Would you really risk poisoning your child?"

He couldn't argue with that, but he poked the chicken on his plate first.

"Oh be a man and take a bite, I'm starving."

He sighed, loud enough for Mrs. Saunders to look over from across the room, but took a bite. "Tastes fine," he nodded. "Biscuits look good," he said referring to Brenda's solo creation. Granted the memory of Brenda's complaints about her hands in the dough and then her having to fold and press the dough might be influencing that a bit.

"They do, don't they," she once again preened as she had when they have come out of the oven and before they had even gone into the oven.

He dunked a corner into the gravy, then stopped after a few chews.

"What's wrong?"

He forced himself to swallow, _he had tried the gravy while it was cooking right?_ He took a sip of water and then dipped his finger into the gravy to test it.

"What's wrong with my biscuits?" Brenda questioned as Jason was now looking suspiciously at the biscuit in his hand.

She picked one up and took a bite, the mouthful remaining frozen in her mouth too.

Mrs. Saunders came over, took a small bite, "Teaspoon, not tablespoon Mrs. Morgan. I would say I hope that teaches you to pay more attention to the meal than your cooking companion, but considering you haven't learned that in a decade…"

* * *

Thanks for reading everyone! Today is the last day until GH's timeslot has Brenda in it! Now we need to find out when Brenda and Jason's first scenes are together so we can count the days till the bickering begins!

Umm seriously that mother/wife from the cooking class morphed into Lynette from Desperate Housewives. I could not stop it, I tried to give her a nicer name and it still didn't work.


	38. Unexpected Discoveries

Yep, Emily is back to Amber Tamblyn in my mind.

Woah. I think there are 3 chapters left after this (and that's assuming I can find the filler needed to make it 3).

Thanks for reading, seriously love you guys!

* * *

**Chapter Thirty Eight**

_Unexpected Discoveries_

* * *

Brazen's Kitchen:

Jason wasn't particularly comfortable having Alan in his home, but it was at least better than Edward, who had no qualms about stopping by. Just a few minutes earlier Brenda had given him a look as they'd gone to the door hearing a car pull up while expecting Lila and they had seen Alan operating the van that transported his mother. It was Reginald's day off and her nurse had a cold and that left Jason being nice to his father and offering him a drink or risking Brenda and Lila's wrath, or in Lila's case, disappointment and sadness.

"I don't know what it is about hospital coffee," Alan informed his son, elaborating on his previous statement that another cup of coffee would be more than welcome before he went into the hospital for a few hours. "We have the best machine, coffee beans, filtered water and it still tastes like dishwater."

Jason just nodded to that.

Alan looked uncomfortable for a moment, unused to not being able to make small talk. "How's married life treating you?"

"Good."

"Good. That's good," Alan nodded, "First year of marriage can be rough."

Jason waited for more.

"That first year, your mother and I-" Alan suddenly realized mentioning his wife's infidelities with an ex probably wasn't a good idea. He nodded, "I'm glad it's going well for you two."

Jason wondered how long he had to suffer through this.

"So swing sets?" Alan asked as he noticed the pamphlets on the table.

"Yea Brenda wants a new one."

Alan smiled, "Only the best of the best for her."

"It is Brenda."

"Probably best you're doing it now before you have to deal with keeping a toddler away from a construction crew."

"Michael's big enough for it now anyway."

Alan's heart clenched at the thought of his grandson, he barely got to speak to him, let alone spend any time with him and it was even worse knowing that Sonny was the one raising him. He had no hope at being part of that little boy's life unless Carly left Sonny. He wondered if he would ever get to see this grandchild once Brenda was gone. "That's good," he nodded roughly and kept his attention on the papers before him, to look up and see Jason would be too much. "IVF?" Alan asked aloud as he found a random pamphlet mixed in, "Are you and Brenda thinking of having more children after the baby?"

"It's a possibility."

He wondered how his son was coping with the fact that his child had a 50% chance of inheriting Brenda's disease. _There wasn't a greater tragedy than losing your child._ There was still time though for Jason. Time for his child, time for Brenda.

"I think that's a wonderful idea, you and-" he stopped himself as he went to talk about the past again. "There is a different love between siblings than friends. This actually brings me to what I wanted to talk to you about, I've been in contact with the researcher I told Brenda about-"

"What researcher?" Jason cut off his father.

"Brenda never…" _Oh well, he'd already started, _"he's doing clinical trials for an experimental treatment. He'll have a spot open for her in a year if she-"

"Brenda knows about this?"

"No," Alan shook his head, "I told her about the one that's going on now and obviously because of the baby that-I still think trying for another baby would be a good idea. We can set you up with surrogates that have done it before, we get Brenda on hormones as soon as we can after delivery and get them out of her system before the trial is due to start."

"What's this trial-"

"Slowing down the progression," Alan nodded, "it's still only in its early days, but the prior research has been promising and frankly I haven't seen the symptoms her doctor reported. I'm not entirely sure they weren't related to something else."

"So-"

"If Brenda is still in the early stages, with this trial we might be able to buy her a few more years."

"So what do we have to do?"

"We start by getting her a full workup, get her a specialist in the area, I have one in particular I think is the best choice."

"Okay," Jason nodded.

"Okay?" Alan questioned. "That's it?"

"If you think this is a good idea then I'll talk to her."

"Okay," Alan nodded back in shock. _His son had just taken him at his word._

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GH Hallway:

"The thought of you having that with someone else," Jax's words simply stopped.

Brenda stopped as well, her quick retreat from him halted.

"I spent a year looking for you, Brenda." Anguish filled his voice. "That exact reason why you stayed away is why I looked. I thought I had the life I wanted with Chloe and then I saw the picture and I realized I would rather have what little time left with you than a lifetime with her."

She remained with her back to him.

"So to see you spending these last years with Jason. To see you pregnant with Jason's child. How do you expect me to react?"

"Skye loves you," she still didn't turn, her eyes were glassy.

He turned her swiftly towards him and she blinked ferociously to rid the tears from her eyes. "Skye loves me, Chloe loved me, Miranda loved me, but they have never nor will ever be you."

"I married Jason," she reminded him.

"Not because you love him."

"I love Jason," she defended.

"Not like you love me."

She shook her head, "You've always hated Sonny so much, but you don't see that you're doing exactly what he did to me with Miranda."

"Don't-"

"I'm actually happy Jax. I have a fate worse than death in front of me, but I'm still so incredibly happy and I wish more than anything you could be happy for me."

"I don't believe you're happier with Morgan than you would be with me."

"We're going to have a baby Jax."

"You can't let a child keep you away from truly being-"

She shook her head, "This discussion is over. Go home to your wife Jax."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Brenda and Jason's living room:

"I'm glad you guys came home," Brenda said in the middle of the couch, flanked by Robin and Emily.

"Ditto," the said in unison.

"Are you aware that Skye is my sister now?"

"You get used to her," Emily said before returning the spoon full of ice cream to her lips.

"Seriously, I doubt that and consider-"

"Should I be pausing this?" Robin asked, Emily turned.

"No," Brenda began and they turned back to their romantic comedy. "It's just that-"

Emily sighed loudly, "Pause it."

"It's just that," Brenda didn't even begin to argue, "Skye adores Jax and Jax."

"Is in love with you," Emily finished. "Seriously tell us something the entire town doesn't know."

"Yea Brenda, he hasn't exactly been subtle about it."

"At least Luis stopped coming around after you found out you were pregnant."

"He came around, I just didn't tell you. Jason was bad enough."

"What did he say?"

"I don't know…I don't even want to think about him anymore," the guards had kept him away most times.

"So what did Jax do this time?" Robin asked.

Brenda tuned to Emily, "Not going to tell Skye?"

"You've been family longer," Emily nodded.

"He asked me to leave Jason."

"What?" Emily nearly fell off the couch in her attempt at a fast twist. "But you aren't going to right?

"No of course not," she turned to Robin, "she needs the chocolate back."

"No," Emily vigorously shook her head as Robin stifled a laugh and tried to pass the pint over. "No I need to know exactly what Jax said and that you're not planning on leaving my brother for that dumb Aussie."

"Too much Edward time," Brenda decided with her eyes narrowing.

"You and that baby are Jason's entire world Brenda," Emily laid it out flat for her sister in law. Her family for the first time finally seemed to have their lives in order; her family was finally starting to heal after seven years.

"I'm not going anywhere until it's lock me up time."

"You promise?" brown eyes begged her.

"Are you kidding? I finally figured out what it takes for Jason to be nice to me, I'm not screwing that up," she promised with a smile.

"Okay," Emily said turning back, "don't you ever do that to me again."

Brenda let out a chuckle as the younger girl threw herself back against the cushions.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Brenda and Jason's bedroom:

"We're going to find out the sex right?" Brenda asked flipping over in bed, they were both reading, her a baby's name book, him a book on ultrasounds that he had borrowed from Emily. She was pretty sure soon he could consider a career in obstetrics.

"You're willing to consider it might not be a girl?" he didn't even bother to look over at his wife.

"Jason, I do understand the basics of biology," she drawled.

"Then why do you have over twenty girls names and 2 boys names," he turned to her.

"The girl's section is first," she defended, "and there are three."

"Edward is not an option," he said turning back to his reading.

"You're aware you haven't answered my question," she pointed out.

He turned back, "If I said no, would that really stop you from finding out?"

Her expression fell, "You don't want to know?"

"That would stop you?" he asked in stunned confusion.

"Who knows how long I'll be lucid for and if you want to deny me-"

"Fine," he rolled his eyes and turned away.

"Jason," her voice returned to normal.

He turned his head again to see caring brown eyes looking up at him.

"You know I wouldn't right?" Her lips twitched up, "I mean it would probably kill me, but I wouldn't find out."

He smiled at her. He had full faith that she would try to hold out, but there was no way she could be patient for that long. "Just remember we aren't naming her after you."

She smiled and rolled back onto her back.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

The Quartermaines:

"It's such a shame Courtney isn't here," Lila commented as she picked up her tea cup, "but it's probably for the best that AJ has a fresh start."

"He sounds really happy on the phone," Emily confirmed.

"That's good," Skye smiled. She has siblings she had to learn to deal with them, just as she had Haley, especially after Emily's accident.

"Brenda," Lila scolded as she watched her newest granddaughter take a bite of another deviled egg.

"What?" she asked trying to hide the food in her mouth with her hand.

"That is your fourth egg."

She swallowed, "Technically it's only my second, since they're halves."

"With how Jason has been going on about your diet-"

"Fine," she said putting down the rest of the egg and picking up another cream cheese tart.

"Brenda," Lila scolded again. "I had Cook specifically prepare the garden sandwich for you."

"Garden sandwich?" she questioned her grandmother in law. She turned to Emily, "Please tell me she isn't referring to the crepe that's stuffed with vegetables."

"It's a house full of doctors Brenda," Emily nodded at her sister in commiseration.

"Oh Brenda," Lila sighed as Brenda leaned back looking dejected as Emily scooped the crepe onto her plate, "do try to stop acting as if someone shot your puppy. You have already had more than anyone else. Are you certain you're not expecting twins?"

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GH, Brenda's Ultrasound Appointment:

"What?" she started to shoot forward, only Jason's and the doctor's hands were quick to push her back down.

"Brenda we had a discussion about this," Jason beat the doctor at speaking.

"It's a girl, I know my own body," she was quick to counter.

"The ultrasound is telling us something different Brenda," Dr. Beaudry, Brenda's entirely too attractive ob/gyn informed her.

_She knew there was a reason she hated blondes. _"You said you might not be able to tell this early."

"Yes-"

"The baby is small and the positioning might be off," Brenda reminded.

"Brenda, at this point the ultrasound is about 9-"

"You look," she ordered him.

"Br-"

"You're the one with your head in those books, you look," she demanded.

Dr. Beaudry waved at the screen inviting Jason for a look, both of his parents and his grandfather had cornered her after finding out Brenda was her patient and they had all raved about who he was prior to his accident, which was years before her arrival at GH. She didn't doubt for a second they would all be delighted at her discovery.

"Now it might be hard to see," she began as he leaned forward for a better look, "but-"

"Right there," Jason pointed.

"That's right," her words came out slowly in shock. She had been sure they were exaggerating.

"Are you serious?" Brenda asked with a frown as she was propped up on her forearms.

"There's always a chance Brenda, but as of right now it looks like it's a boy."

She glared.

"Do you see the dome here?" Jason pointed.

"Turtle," Dr. Beaudry supplied.

Jason's eyes narrowed at her, _she was the professional._

"Turtle or hamburger," she defended, it had certainly helped her learn and helped explain it to her patients.

"Whatever, it's there?" Brenda asked annoyed.

"It's there."

She dropped herself back to lying flat, "I had such a good name picked out. Calista Sabrina Morgan."

"Well the good news is I wouldn't have agreed to that."

"I'm going to let you two have a few, meet me in my office when you're done," Dr. Beaudry said eager for an escape.

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The kid's room at Brenda and Jason's:

"This was a sign wasn't it?" she asked him.

"Yea I can't see the flowers, polka dots and ballerinas here."

She sighed again with a hand on her growing belly.

"You aren't really upset are you?"

"No," she sighed. "I just had a lot of really good stuff picked out."

He laughed.

"It was meant to be," she said resigned to the fact that bows were now out, "it's the house. It's a boy's room."

He smiled. He had liked the idea of a girl and he was sure he would have been just as happy to find out they were having a girl, but just knowing for sure…It made the baby more real.

"We need to get Gregory back over here; we need to rethink the swingset.

-o-o-o-

Brenda and Jason's Bedoom:

"Colin," she offered as Jason lay in bed with his eyes shut, trying to block out her light.

"You're not naming him after that actor."

"He's going to be huge," she informed her husband.

"No."

-o-o-o-

"Gavin," she suggested.

"No celebrities."

"How did you-"

"You made me look at their wedding pictures."

-o-o-o-

"Do you know that Alan means handsome?"

"No," he shot down.

"I wasn't suggesting for our baby," she rolled her eyes. "I don't know if that would make AJ ecstatic or if his head would explode."

"I was just-"

"I'm trying to sleep here."

-o-o-o-

"Brendan means prince I mean-"

"No."

-o-o-o-

"You know Brandon isn't that-"

"No."

-o-o-o-

"You know wealthy guard really does suite Edward." _He was certainly a bulldog for his family._

"No," Jason repeated yet again.

"Seriously Jason I wasn't suggesting it as a name, you have already made that very clear. I was just pointing out that maybe we should pay attention to the meaning. However with the rate that you're going we're just going to end up with Baby Boy Morgan."

-o-o-o-

"Wow seriously **healer**, they really did start early with you."

He sighed.

She frowned, "Huh, I wonder if Alan named you or if it was your birth mom."

He clenched his eyes tightly.

"Maybe I should ask Monica to help me. Four kids and the only one she named, she named after their dad. Though seriously, Jason is a great name."

He pulled the pillow over his head.

* * *

I hope everyone's still enjoying the story. I never have any idea what people enjoy about a story, then again I also have no ability to control a story, like Jason apparently kicked Luis out of this story because he was supposed to make a return and never did. :-P

Thanks for reading. Speaking of kicking, who is going to go kick TPTB at GH at get me some BRAZEN!


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